Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.
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I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.
quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to
All pigeons are stool pigeons if you stand under them long enough.
Wife: Our dog was put down and then my husband died, it was tough
Medium *nodding* he was the love of your life
Wife: Yes of course!
Medium: He has something to say to you
Wife: omg go on
Medium: woof
Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive
Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids
My husband accidentally texted mewting instead of meeting. Now I can’t stop picturing a bunch of kittens in a conference room.
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
Whenever I get a midnight “Hey” dm from a woman on the weekend, I always reply
Maybe she’s inviting me to church or something fun like that
“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”
When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.
Don’t talk down to me
Awww, how nice for wittle Jeb #JokeoftheDay #Conan
absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys
Goat: So, I make a ridiculous sound?
God: Yes.
Goat: Anything else weird I should know about?
God: Horizontal Pupils
Goat: What the- *stiffens, falls sideways*
God: YouTube is gonna love you.
you grow up— lose your baby teeth learn to ride a bike graduate college get a few bad haircuts and the next thing you know you’re planning how to make someone’s death look like an accident
A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?
[first day at mcdonalds]
guy: can i get a large fry
me: you mean like a potato
Sign in the window of one of our local bookshops!
Recipe for homemade charcoal:
1. Put dinner in the oven.
2. Sit down to check one quick thing on the internet…
Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.
My kids never meet a drink he couldn’t spill
“I’ll do it after I’m dead”
People that don’t know how death works.
Landlords be like “it’s an old building” alright then I’ll pay old rent, here’s 20 bucks it’s a fortune
*Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman all avoiding eye contact with Aquaman as he walks in to work & sees Michael Phelps sitting at his desk*
Son: the devil made me do it
Me: what did I say about that
Son: not to call my sister the devil
ME: *cracking open a 6-pack*
FRIEND: Is that… pudding?
Hate it when I’m minding my own business and an unmarked van pulls up with a shady-looking bear offering cheap farm-fresh honey and next thing I know I’m lying bruised and bloody on the side of the road but I guess that’s what I get for carrying a picnic basket in broad daylight
Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.
No wonder we all hate him.
Card reader: this is not looking good
Me: mf’er, reshuffle it