“Yeah, well your dog isn’t a rescue, your snacks are processed and everyone knows you’re vaccinated” – how a kid talks shit in 2015
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My 3yo isn’t very original when it comes to naming his stuffed animals… Kitty, Brown Bear, Bunny, etc. So why should I be surprised he named the turtle “Turdy?”
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
If the first rule of fight club is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?
Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*
Moon: delete it
If you die during a game of Duck Duck Goose, you become a victim of fowl play.
This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun
me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay
Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it
I could ride my Peloton from here on the east coast all the way across the country and off a cliff into the Pacific Ocean and never stop to eat and people will still ask when I am due as I plummet
I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.
My boss accused me of being overly dramatic, I lamented in a soliloquy as I threw myself across the desk in feigned shock
her: i’m going to a concert
me: to see who
her: Bad English
me: sorry, to see whom
I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.
OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?
ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.
ME (working in a bank): Ugh I am so tired today
ROBBER: EVERYONE ON THE GROUND & DO NOT MOVE
ME [blowing up neck pillow] I could kiss you
If it’s the thought that counts, I’m a serial killer
It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.
The date was going so well until he called me gorgeous and I blew a bubble out of my nose on accident.
Luke, I am your uncle.
Luke, I am your third cousin.
Luke, I am your grandmother.– Skywalker family reunion
Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?
Trojans: oh cool guys it’s that giant horse we ordered off Amazon
Greek soldiers: [quietly] lmao
Scientist: knowing that flamingos turn pink because they eat shrimp, we fed one nothing but Gatorade for 6 months
Reporter: so what happened?
Scientist: it’s dead.
A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
[1st day as judge]
Murderer: [waves at me]
Me [waves back]: He seems nice
Lawyer: He killed six people
Me: He probably didn’t mean it
Quinoa was invented by someone who really wanted to win at scrabble.
his wife is probably gonna see that
ME: Do you ever think you’re being mean because you secretly like me?
MURDERER [twists foot on the rug] I don’t know, maybe
When an ex mansplains something to you it’s called “explaining”
Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork.
Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987.