Year 2055. Twitter dot com is downloaded into your head as a sentient being program. You post tweets via thought. People still manually RT.

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If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.


I hate it when I’m in a rage and suddenly remember I’m not wealthy so I can’t hurl expensive bone china into the fireplace.


[Getting back into van after museum heist]

Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?


There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.


searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do


if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.


People stick up those “Baby on Board” signs as if their infant is somehow more precious than my 4-foot travel bong.


This documentary says Barbie has had over 300 illustrious careers. And only one boyfriend.

You can just call me Opposite Barbie.