@FuckTyping

Year 2055. Twitter dot com is downloaded into your head as a sentient being program. You post tweets via thought. People still manually RT.

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@TheTweetOfGod

If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.

@AddledPixie

I hate it when I’m in a rage and suddenly remember I’m not wealthy so I can’t hurl expensive bone china into the fireplace.

@psybermonkey

[Getting back into van after museum heist]

Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?

@_davidlucas_

There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.

@elijahdaniel

searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do

@kiralc

if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.

@ColoradoUgly

People stick up those “Baby on Board” signs as if their infant is somehow more precious than my 4-foot travel bong.

@TwiceTheHops

This documentary says Barbie has had over 300 illustrious careers. And only one boyfriend.

You can just call me Opposite Barbie.