year 39, month 3: woke up a sentient tangle of meat and calcium again
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I posted happy birthday bunny to my husband on Instagram. I’ve never actually called him bunny, but I didn’t have my glasses on and it was early in the morning and I meant to say baby and anyway, he’s bunny now. Forever.
Not sure why my coworker was so upset. I thought an assortment of breath mints was a gift that would benefit everyone.
On a separate note…does anyone know how to get egg nog out of velour?
Hubs: Why can’t we use the good china?
Me: Because that’s for if the Queen comes to visit
Hubs: um…
Me: oh bugger!
“At this point, if the Zodiac Killer is still alive, he’s gonna reveal his identity just so people don’t think he’s Ted Cruz. “ – my wife
Me: Goodnight moon
Moon: night.
Me: What?
Moon: nothing. It’s fine.
Me: You’re acting distant
Moon: I’m 238,900 miles away
Tax return hit so you know what that means… Yeah, I got egg money now.
My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning
*Starts to vacuum
If you stare at your face in the back of a spoon you look a lot like someone who doesn’t know how to use cutlery
Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I’m not so sure what I did, but he sent me a text that only said, “K” so it must be pretty bad.
Me: I think you’re going to be sick tonight.
My 9yo: *eating their fifth dinner* Why do you think that?
If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.
The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.
I showed my 4 year old a picture of myself with her brother when he was little. “Aww,” she said, “you looked so young back then.”
Take the road less traveled. Like, the one with the most mud, or the wettest grass, even if there’s a sidewalk nearby.
-Kids
How can you still believe in astrology after hearing Mewtwo say that the circumstances of your birth are irrelevant
Am I original?
-Yeaaah.
Am I the only one?
-Yeaaah.
Do you wanna build a snowman?
-Go away, Anna.
Ok byyyyye.
One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.
Literally! 🤣 #dogs
Probably just poor graphic design…
Still not gonna drink from it.
I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.
As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad
Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.
SCIENTIST: the earth is dying
ME: oh no how long do we have
SCIENTIST: 8 maybe 9 months
ME: so what you’re saying is no more condoms
At the outdoor church service today, the pastor invited the kids to use sidewalk chalk to draw things that remind them of God.
My six year olds decided to trace each other and create a crime scene.
Does the employee manual say I CAN’T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.
I don’t get the concept of Beach House Hunters. You don’t have to hunt a house. Especially on the beach. It has nowhere to hide
The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn’t the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they’re hatching a dastardly plan.
hey boy, are you my period? because you’re annoying as hell but I still wanna see you regularly
My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.