Years ago I was able to find the trashcan in a friend’s kitchen on the first try, and I’ve been riding that high ever since
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I watched someone give a Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino to a homeless woman. She took one sip and threw it in the trash.
The key to being a good conversationalist is giving a great conversationalist room to talk
I make a mortgage-sized payment monthly to send my kid to preschool. Today, I have to pick him up early so they can close to then reopen an hour later for an art show where I can pay a second time to buy art my kid made while I paid for him to be there.
Historians say teenagers in medieval times would send an average of 180 tiny scrolls by raven per day
My husband’s coming home from a trip, so I’m artfully placing dishes in the sink to look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for 5 days.
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Daughter: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
me before getting into birding: OMG SHUT UP BIRDS IT’S 5AM
me now: OMG SHUT UP CAROLINA WRENS, INDIGO BUNTINGS, AND TUFTED TITMICE IT’S 5AM
You can even hide a dead body in Terms & Conditions, No one will ever know.
Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.
You’re on your deathbed. You gather the strength to utter your last words “Boxers with pockets,” you say. “You’ll never have to wear pants.”
Doc thinks my mysterious headaches may lessen if I eat ice cream more slowly.
My teen said I have a lot of fashionable clothes “because stuff from the 1900s is back in style” and I wonder if that includes washing a sassy teen’s mouth out with soap.
a woman just ran through the coffeeshop yelling “HELP! I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER! HELP HELP I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER” and I want to trade problems with her
Whenever I see a photo of a baby captioned “this little guy is going to change the world”, I just imagine that baby committing various crimes.
I planted all the evidence for evolution once it became clear it did not serve the best interest of My reputation to take credit for you.
A web shooter like Spiderman would have so many uses, like I could grab the chips without leaving the couch.
I’ve been obsessed with random unnecessary quotation marks since I was a kid.
This is easily the most terrifying example.
He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave
Me: *wolf whistles*
The more we travel into the mountains the more little critters I see. A rabbit will run across the road, then a squirrel, then a crab. What?
I love kids…But stop making me hold your baby. Why are you letting people touch your new born?!?
I don’t let people touch my new iPhone
Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety
[bar trivia night] and remember no using your phones unless it’s an emergency
me: [five minutes later] hello 911? are butterflies insects?
If your girlfriend says “my pyramid is late…”
Know two things:
1. Your hearing is poor
2. That’s not your biggest problem right now
I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.
After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)
Imagine owning a dragon…now set yourself on fire, because that’s what it would be like to own a dragon.
Idiots
You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.
[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here
I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread
If I had a dog I’d say “I have a bone to pick with you!” and then we’d go to PetSmart to pick a bone and we’d laugh & laugh & can dogs laugh