Years ago my wife and I were on an early date in a Chinese restaurant when a guy came over and said to me: “Can you shut up? You’ve got a very loud voice”. I said: “My girlfriend has very poor hearing. Isn’t that right?” And to her enormous credit she replied: “WHAT?”
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Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.
“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”
Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”
A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm.
So I peed on her
My spouse is “attending” a virtual conference for the next few days. To help simulate the real thing, I’ll set out a picked-over tray of mini-muffins, soggy cut fruit, and some weak coffee, and then whisk them away just as he approaches the table.
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me: i play a guitar sometimes.
date: oh i’d love to see that.
me: okay [clears throat] look at me i’m a guitar!
I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.
They wanted to talk to me about cheeses
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With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.
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Me: HAHAHAHA! I mean, yes.
The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.
Mark Zuckerberg, 2003: “Hmm, I’m tired of going door-to-door telling people their grandma is racist … there has to be a better way …”
Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.
me: I’d wait a lifetime for you
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Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?
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Never forget.
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*hears giggling kids
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I hate my earbuds.