Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.
And I’ve said too much.
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For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.
employer: if you’re sick don’t come to work so you don’t spread the germs!
employee: i’m sick
employer: how sick?
Widow: did he say anything before he passed?
Me: *tearing up* he just said “tell Sheila i love her”
Widow: who the hell is Sheila?
The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.
I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“
…As if I plan on eating it.
[waking up after a night of drinking]
Age 21: did i make out with someone
Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog
Best friend, helping me dig a hole: so tell me again what happened?
Me: he came home to me sitting on the couch after I spent the entire day cleaning the house and said, ‘you’re just where I left you.’
me: (11 pm) 😴
me: (1 am) 😴
me: (3 am) 😴
me: (5 am) 😴
me: (7 am) 😳DAMN! I forgot to move the elf, again!
Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.
Pro tip, if you go to a therapist and are in the waiting room, never EVER put on a fake prison accent and ask another person “So what’re you in for?”
me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH
My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby
8: When’s dad’s birthday?
Me: June 28
8: 2000 what?
Me: You mean 19…1984
8: 19? WOW
flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode
optimus prime: i can only do “truck”
You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.
Wife: You’re so lucky, I’m like a trophy wife!
Me: Wow, I’d hate to see what they gave to the second place guy.
ME: *walks by to put anything away*
WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there
As I was lovingly tucking in my 5yo, I told her I loved her and she responded with, “You’ve been a great mommy….so far.”
My daughter thinks them being called joggers instead of sweatpants makes them worth $87.
Interviewer: How do you define success?
Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.
This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌
I call a spade a “spade.”
I also call a horse a “horse” and a pencil a “pencil.”
When it comes to calling things by their names, I am no one to be trifled with.
[cat and dog meet for negotiations]
Mediator: We’re just beginning this process, so right now everything is on the table.
Cat: *smiles*
Dog: Oh no.
Imagine if your anxiety and your metabolism swapped jobs
Finally cleaned out the fridge to make meal planning easier. Tonight, we’re having buttered olives with mustard and baking soda.
[HIGH SCHOOL]
teacher: you’ll use calculus one day
[AGE 40]
me: *standing on textbook to get twinkies from high shelf* whoa how did she know
Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral
Boss – can you pass a piss test?
Me – Sure…distance or accuracy?
My boyfriend thinks I ask “dumb questions” like “would you love me if I were a worm” and then turns around and asks me shit like do I think it would be funny if he started doing Patrick Bateman’s care routine as a bit
“It’s a funeral”, they said. “Wear black”, they said. “Who’s the idiot dressed as Zorro?”, they said