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Eddie Murphy at the premiere of Purple Rain, 1984.
Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.
Doctor: your husband is being treated by a team of ten strainers
Woman: you mean he’s
Doctor: yes, in ten sieve care
“Why did you leave your last job?”
-I had a typo in a tweet.
“Mistakes happen!”
-I worked for Yahoo Finance.
“Thanks for coming in. Bye”
One of my favourite summer activities is to pretend I don’t know what a motorcycle is. It seems to sting worse because I’m a heavily tattooed blonde woman. I like to keep saying ‘it sounds like you’re describing a bicycle?’
Just once I’d like to buy a house plant that didn’t have the lifespan of a soap bubble.
If you’ve got one of those video doorbells, don’t be surprised if I do a tight seven-minute set on your porch.
me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*
Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.
[dog park]
*random dog humps my dog*Owner: It’s okay! He’s fixed, haha!
Me: Its okay— mine’s a boy.
Its not what it looks like officer!
“you were driving down the highway taking selfies singing n’sync”
Ok I guess it was what it looked like
Spotted the tiniest of cows perched on a fence post today.
if you come out with us you can’t lie about making your own soup
“those days are behind me”[girl at bar 45 mins later] oh cool, what kind?
Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.
My daughter reminded me that being older doesn’t mean I’m always right. Sometimes, I’ve just been wrong for longer.
*hands out free hug coupons in the mosh pit*
The trend of people going back to film cameras is a great reminder that new technology isn’t the best for everything, and also that not everyone is good at photography.
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
I have the attention of a goldfish.
Seriously, it’s been watching me for hours.
If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?
ME: and what are we going to do next time?
7YR OLD: you’re going to let me know in advance before you shave your beard
M: and for you?
7: I’m not going to scream “STRANGER! DANGER!” or call 911
“The 27 Worst Things About Going To Stock Photo University” – something I made years ago and I just found it archived, and I’m pasting it here in a thread
Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved
This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live
My neighbor caught me going through my own garbage can to find my engagement ring, so I told her, “There are some great deals in there on Tuesdays.”
Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
I have a black belt in leather
[toddler birthday party]
Stranger: my child is 36 months old. how old is yours?
Wife: mine’s-
Me: hey babe, I hurt my toe in the bouncy house. can you drive to the ER so I can eat my cake?
Wife: -432 months.
The kids are asking for fun shaped sandwiches for their back-to-school lunches and I’m so flattered they’ve mistaken me for the kind of mother who would do that