Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work because the dog just goes “Cool, now we’re both barking!”
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Alright so I have a pretty good joke for if Pirates Of The Carribean was nominated for several academy awards and lost all of them that the host could say and it’s this: “I’ve heard of not a dry eye in the house, but not an aye aye in the house?”
I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.
If your wife is a school crossing guard, you’re missing a huge opportunity if you don’t tell people she’s into human trafficking.
*cooking omelette for GF*
Me: “Want extra cheese, babe?”
Gf: “Sure baby”
*slowly turns up Aerosmith’s ‘I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing’*
“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”
the audacity of someone being in the store aisle i want to go down.
In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
Can some of you who who post pictures of your muscles come over Saturday and help me move?
I don’t lock my car doors, so if someone wants to steal my egg mcmuffin wrappers, Sonic happy hour cups and 47 cents, they’re welcome to it.
Me, a waiter: And you sir *writing on notepad* want the paprika potatoes
Him: Yes but without peas
Me *scribbling* the arika otatoes
Date: so what’s your love language?
Me: English. I wouldn’t say I love it but I knows it
FOR SALE: baby shoes, made out of 100% baby
Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword
Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?
[parent/teacher meeting]
“you must’ve read to him as a baby”
*leans forward in little desk* lady, I didn’t even know him when I was a baby
Now that I am a parent I am confident that the reason my parents had to “check my Halloween candy” was NOT because of razor blades and drugs.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Scientist: No
Cop: How much science u do tonite?
Scientist: Just one-[test tube falls from coat]
Cop: Get out
If you date someone working for the federal government and then break up, does he become FedEx? #oksorry
Prank Idea For The Ladies:
Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.
When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.
Or so I’ve been told.
Twice now.
Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:
Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*
Toddler: *crashes the stock market*
How DARE you go the speed limit in a situation like this…
~Me, to anyone with the audacity to be in front of me when I’m running late.
New mom looking at a photo of their newborn: Isn’t my baby the most beautiful creature ever to exist?!
Same mom looking at same photo a decade later: Why didn’t anyone tell me my baby looked like gollum?!
my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her
just poured dr pepper on my face like i didn’t know where my mouth was.
I’m a GROWN MAN. I’m on my GROWN MAN SHIT. I am COLD and DISORIENTED cause I got out of the shower but I can’t dry off cause all my towels are in the WASHER.
Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?
Oh, you’re a politician? Name all the politics
If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.