[yelling at a maple tree] Release your pancake sauce to me you piece of shit
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When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.
the hippothalmus is the part of the brain that controls how hungry hungry you get
When I was a kid, I wanted to be Stephen Hawking. Now that he’s dead, that feeling is even stronger
Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*
I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.
canadian assassins are called killergrams
Me: gentleman of this truck stop bathroom, please boo that kid for not washing his hands
All: BOOOO!
kid: I am telling mom
3 weeks ago: I can’t get plastic bags for my groceries?!?!! 😠
Today: I can’t get groceries. 😑
hot girl at the club: so can i get your phone number?
me: hell yeah
girl: how about your address?
me: oh for sure, come by
girl: and your mother’s maiden name?
me: wait what
Him: Why are you going in circles???
Me: I’m buffering!!!
Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.
Me:
Husband:
Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.
At the beginning of a long plane ride, I like to ask my husband why he loves me. His frantic look for an escape hatch entertains me.
Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.
Nurse: “It says here you’re lacoste intolerant? Is that a typo?”
Me: “No. I just really, really can’t stand polos with crocodiles on them.”
If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.
I got a weather service alert that my area is under a flash flood warning and to “take immediate action” so I bought a boat on Amazon. I don’t know I feel like they could be more specific.
When you have kids, finding a marker lid in your house is like finding a pin without the grenade attached.
I will never think of rock paper scissors the same way again.
Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?
My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.
My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.
I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room.
Husband and I reminiscing about the time I texted him on my way home:
“Can you start cooking those sausages?” Then added < 3 as a cute little heart.He cooked 2 sausages.
1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up
Flight attendant: Is there a Dr. on this flight?
Dad: that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Maybe you can flippy Mctwisty him back to health
Me: Dad, there’s an emergency
Dad: use your “always special” cheat code
Me: But we’re in first class and I paid for our flight
Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.
My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.
We will be telling them tonight.
4-year-old: What happens if I microwave 5 Barbies?
Me: That’s an oddly specific question.
4: I already know what happens if I do it with 4