Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
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Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.
Me: “My wish is have a nice quiet retirement in a little house by the water.”
Genie:
The man who invented Velcro died. RIP.
COP: Is this man bothering you ma’am?
ME: She’s my wife
MY WIFE: [mouthing and nodding yes behind me]
i’m a pretty resilient person unless something hard is happening
Dating tip: don’t mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.
Kid: I love you
Me: to the moon?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back again?
Kid: no, that’s too much love
My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.
83% of white folks stressing about their court dates are referring to tennis.
My computer is frozen. Unfortunately it looks like moving my mouse around in circles did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.
Dating tip:
Don’t offer to pay.
It’s a sign of weakness.
Build trust through mutual agreement to steal.No one suspects the “happy couple.”
sorry… can’t now, i’m busy nursing a hand cramp from getting a slightly bigger phone
Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?
Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.
Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage
Bar tender: On the rocks?
Me: What? No. Full of coke
just weaponized “with all due respect” at my condo board. and now we wait.
The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅
No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.
It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside…
Man: Is there a doctor in the house?
Dr: I have a PHD in literature
Man: This man is having a heart attack!
Dr: Thou know’st ’tis common; all that lives must die…
Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first.
“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.
I have three kids. I should be terrified of sex.
[At a loud club]
Me: *the unceasing drone of locusts, driving to madness all unlucky souls who hear it*
Him: WHAT?
Me: *THE UNCEASING DRO
When it rains, are ducks like OMG my home is falling on me
The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble
You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.
wow he looks just like him
I had a client Zoom in for Court, smoking a cigarette and beer in hand, slurring words.
Words I never thought I’d hear a judge say: “You’re in court right now. Quit smoking. Put that beer down.”
Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.