[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG
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Friend: [showing baby photos]
Me: Ah yes, very baby
jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale
Kids, we can go to the pet expo BUT WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY ANIMALS. WE ALREADY HAVE A DOG
*leaves with two lizards, a fish & a baby giraffe
[talking to a frat bro]
Me: Dude you have such a strong axe scent.
Bad news: With the stock market in a nosedive, I’ve had to increase my retirement age.
Good news: I’m going to live to 157.
Its trashy to reveal your special attack on the first date
Modest Mouse: Float On
Arrogant Mouse: Gloat On
“I’m going to enter you now,” I announce to an elevator to the bewilderment of everyone who is already inside. A lady clutches her purse.
I’ll take a bullet for you but if a clown shows up somewhere you on your own
Him: what’s your favorite season?
Me: Reese’s Egg Season
when your parents get a divorce you gotta figure out if pokemon mom or pokemon dad has better exclusives. lucky if you have a sibling so you can each pick one and trade
Indian Chief: What that bottle of vodka for?
Me: I got it for my girlfriend.
Indian Chief: Good trade.
Got the invite to your wedding. Thanks! Sadly, your blatant overuse of illegible, ornate script fonts means I don’t know when or where it is
I have this funny thing I do where I say ‘we should grab a beer sometime’ when what I mean is ‘I need to end this call now’.
growing up, my dad had a doctor friend who he would always call instead of taking us to the ER and then i became an adult and realized that the doctor friend was a dermatologist
20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf
[space launch]
ASTRONAUT: houston we have a problem
ME: *elbows him* lol we’re gonna get mooned
ASTRONAUT: *sighs* houston we have two problems
My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks.
How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?
Sometimes I drink too much coffee and chase the Amazon guy around the neighborhood
BOSS: It’s come to my attention that you’ve disabled attachments for emails. You have to fix that.
BUDDHA: But attachments cause suffering.
6: Why are we at the vet?
Me: So our pig can’t have babies
6: How do you know she doesn’t want babies?
Me:*looks at my kids* Just a hunch
Me too 😆
laundry day is my favorite day of the week. that’s why I dress for it every day.
There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.
This flight attendant literally just finished going over safety protocols and said “thank you to those who listened, and good luck to those of you who didn’t. Truly, good luck.” Lmfaooooo
tossing the phrase “slappery slope” into the discourse like a beach ball and moonwalking away
They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.
I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”
When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.
I would be awful at debating I’d be like first of all you are being so mean to me.