Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.
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It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest
I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.
I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.
A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.
Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄
I just labeled the folder with my passwords in my computer bag “PW” rather than “Passwords” in case anyone wants me on their encryption team
Salesgirl: [handing me makeup samples] here are the freebies we promised you!
Me: [wearing my brand-new beekeeper’s suit] …oh
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”
New mom looking at a photo of their newborn: Isn’t my baby the most beautiful creature ever to exist?!
Same mom looking at same photo a decade later: Why didn’t anyone tell me my baby looked like gollum?!
Pro tip:
Ensure that you never have to spend the holidays at your mother-in-law’s again by telling her that her cooking tastes “institutional.”
[party]
What exactly does BYOB mean?“Bring your own beer”
Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat
still think about that time in high school when the track team captain printed out a list of people who owed money for team shirts and forgot to pick it up after class. she got called down to the principal’s office because it was titled “People Who Have to Pay”
I need your fingers, rubbing me hard, circling around my red swollen …mosquito bite.
What did YOU think I’m talking about?
Weirdos!!
My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital
You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?
I’m like that, but with salad.
Math never tried to solve any of my problems.
Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?
Things Ted Cruz and I have in common:
1. Love butter
2. Shy eyes
3. Resurrected from the grave during satanic bloodmoon ritual
4. Brown hair
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
18: Thanks for the nuggets.
Me: I didn’t buy you nuggets.
18: Well 19 said she didn’t either, so how did the get in my room? Someone could have broken in.
Me: Yes and left you a 20 piece with ranch, that has been happening a lot on this street.
My friend is dating a guy who won’t stop taking her to the circus 😭
[taking pregnant wife to hospital ER]
Me: Help! My wife’s having contradictions!
Dr: Don’t you mean contractions?
Wife: Never say never
We’ve all heard the peanut butter debate, but what about mayo? Smooth or Crunchy?
If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.
Basically.
When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent
I put my pants on like everybody else: in constant fear that my button will surrender to the intense pressure it’s under.
Me: tries to sleep
Brain:
M:
B:
M:
B:
M:
B: if one synchronized swimmer drowns do the others have to drown too?