Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.
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My 4-year-old’s questions while watching me put on makeup for 3 minutes:
-Why is your face melting?
-Why do you make your face look evil?
-Why are you biting your eyeballs with those scissors?
My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.
I almost dropped my Walkman.
boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means
me: it must be Wednesday
Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?
nicole kidman please name your next child Teendude
[first Captain to go down with the ship]
Captain: are you sure this a thing? I feel like this isn’t really a thing.
Crew: [already rowing away in the lifeboat]
Sometimes I am proud of my mistakes, sometimes I am ashamed.
My kids: We have NAMES, Dad!
quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to
Dry sarcasm assumes the existence of moist sarcasm.
On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.
BABY: *cries*
ME: Get in line, buddy.PUPPY: *cries*
ME: *panicking* OMG, WHAT GREAT TRAGEDY HAS BEFALLEN YOU, MR. NIBBLES?
I don’t care if you’re black or white… old or young… rich or poor… male or female… there comes a moment in everyone’s life when you raise your glass and realize… the damn coaster is still stuck to it…
coworker: did you hear someone used all the charity money to buy snacks from the vending machine
me: *laughing nervously* that’s awful
Toys ‘R Us pulled Breaking Bad figures because the characters sold drugs, but continue to sell Darth Vader ones, and he blew up a planet.
Wow so when Joe Biden and Jill Biden sleep in the same bedroom, it’s cute, but when I do it, secret service arrests me for trespassing in the White House.
Is it because I’m brown??
I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
[apiary]
ME: Are you the beekeeper?
BEEKEEPER: Yup
ME: Can I get some?
BEEKEEPER: Nope
ME: Is it because you k—
BEEKEEPER: I keep them
*takes out trash, finds trash can lid frozen shut*
*drops bag on ground because if any raccoon is desperate enough to be out in this cold he deserves all the trash he can get*
Talking to a toddler is like working customer service. For example, she’s screaming at me and I’m apologizing for something I had nothing to do with.
me: i think we should make a baby
wife: do you know how expensive babies are?
me: wait, you can buy them??
Did you breast feed him as a baby?
“Lady, I didn’t have breasts when I was a baby.”
[Concert]
Singer: ARE YOU ALL ENJOYING IT?!!Everyone: YEAAAHHHHH!!!!
Me: ᶦᵗ’ˢ ᵛᵉʳʸ ˡᵒᵘᵈ
*attaches note to pigeon
*stuffs pigeon into envelope
If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.
Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.
Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.
One-upping the deceased by showing up to the funeral in my own coffin.
Me: Can you get me more sports drink at the store?
Wife: Beer isn’t a sports drink
Me: I drink it while I watch sports.
*Sends carrier pigeon back*
“I have a suitor.”