Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.
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Doctor: How did you manage to get this stuck in your throat?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
i liked her. i wifed her. 🤎
My three kids are roughly the same age as Kate Middleton’s so I can say pretty confidently that she is hiding in the bathroom pretending to pee for a really long time.
Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”
your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
Me: you married?
Him: separated
Me: your wife know about that?
If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.
My work here is don’t.
*THE BIRTH OF PHILOSOPHY*
THAG: How can CAVE be a thing when CAVE is by definition absence of rock?
THURG: *gnawing dinosaur leg* Haha Thag never find mate.
HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern
If this guy doesn’t stop staring at my boobs, well then, I’m just gonna have to wear this shirt more often.
“Can you explain this gap in your resume?”
Me: [sitting on a toadstool, blowing smoke rings] whooooo areeeee youuuuuu
Person I tried to rob describing me to the police:
“long hair, wearing pajamas, honestly she didn’t seem very committed to it.”
What idiot called it jousting and not poker knight?
*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*
“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.
If only the person that named “walkie talkies” had been in charge of naming so many more household objects.
That’s me in the corner eating beef gravy with a fork
robber: gimme your money
me: don’t hurt me i take care of my declining parents
my dad: [from inside the car] don’t believe his lies
I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
Please pray for my friends’ 4 yr old. I just found out that ten minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or documented on Facebook today.
Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?
Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?
Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.
me: *finally falling back asleep in the middle of the night*
my brain: *make her think she heard the doorbell*
{first time watching a live stand-up comedian}
me: (from the back) HAHA OMG U SHOULD TWEET THAT
Roses are red
Violets are blue…
Me: I just want to go on vacation where the food is cheap, there are no kids, and no other people
Husband: So send the kids to your parents for a week and stay home?
Me: Perfect
*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)
That kid that said “if the teacher doesnt show up in 15 minutes, we are legally allowed to leave” is in prison now.