Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.
You Might Also Like
[blind date]
HER: I filled up on nuts
ME: I guess you bit off more than you… cashew
HER: Gesundheit
ME: I think I love you
Why yes, person on the Internet, I would love to make $596 per day sitting at home. Let’s do this!!!
I woke up at 3am last night, and still half asleep, had a thought that I JUST HAD TO WRITE DOWN. Pretty sure I’d just won the Internet, I fell back asleep.
In the morning, I was greeted with this gem on my phone:
“2 ninjas are called a pair of sneakers.”
You’re all welcome.
All the people upset over same sex marriage didn’t seem to mind when Paula Abdul was openly dating a cartoon cat in the late 80s.
ME: What’s this bit here?
NURSE: …his heart
ME: Hm.
NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon
ME: My résumé says a lot of things
priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate
groom: can you please stop saying that
I wish I was the morning person whichever one of my personalities makes 7am appointments believes I am.
interviewer: your resume says you like being read to
me: and then what happened
God making man in his image was the original selfie
If your kid eats the chocolate bunny’s feet first, “so it can’t get away,” that’s your future serial killer right there.
Cop: Are you high?
Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so
The most unrealistic part of The X Files was how no one got called into a budget meeting. It’s a government agency for crying out loud
We’ve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking “I could milk that”
You’re like a gym membership.
You seem like a good idea but I’ll lose interest in a month.
“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.
“I never trust anything from the government!”
*uses highways
Sorry I haven’t tweeted in a couple of days. My kid followed me from room to room making really obnoxious whale noises and I feel like I’ve gotten a taste of my own medicine
“Well butter my biscuit”
-The Pillsbury Doughboy receiving a compliment
Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.
Think I will donate my body to science so they can all stand over my cadaver and wonder how
Tip: When the cop asks you “Do you know how fast you were going?” do NOT respond with “I know, right?!”
I bet i could still be a stuntman
[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]
Okay maybe not
weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel
men are simple creatures
4: I didn’t know lizards were cold
6:
4:
6: BLIZZards
Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.
Newsreader: “And now Tom with the weather.”
Weatherman: “It’s Tim, actually.”
Newsreader: “Sorry. And now Tom with the tim.”
My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.
Me sliding into hell like
The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.