Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.
You Might Also Like
A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu but it just tasted like paper to me.
If someone asks you a question you don’t want to answer just say, “I don’t know. I ran into a sliding glass door and knocked myself out, and now I’m having trouble remembering things.” That will get them off your back for a week.
People are so fake how can you love your newborn baby when you met it like 2 minutes ago and don’t know anything about it
The average person eats 8 spiders a year
*eating 2nd bowl of spiders*
“WHO’S AVERAGE NOW DAD?”
Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.
The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.
From now on when people come up to me while I’m pregnant and say, ‘looks like you’re getting so close now!’ I’m just going to start saying ‘you too!’
Girl: I will literally **kill** you
Tall guy: that is adorable, ilysm my lil beansprout
Short king (unsheathing his samurai sword): so it’s come to this
ME: my wife and i are having a baby!
FRIEND: wow, that’s amazing! congratulations! sex?
ME: yes, that’s how we made the baby…
I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.
*dragging a trampoline to under your window”
Well you cut down your tree so I have to improvise.
72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.
No matter who wins this election, there’s still only a 50% chance that the ice cream machine at McDonalds will be working.
16: ‘Why do you drink wine every night?’
Me: ‘They say a couple glasses is good for your heart.’
16: ‘Is that why you’re using two glasses?’
7yo: I have a headache. Can you sit with me til I fall asleep?
Me: Sure, bud.
7yo: So when I die, will I come back?
Me: Now I see why you have a headache.
I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”
PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN
Interviewer: says here you’re a sniper
Me [opening gun case]: affirmative
Interviewer: is that a Supersoaker with a Pringles can taped to it
[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.
The best way to avoid being left with the bill when dining out with friends is by not having any friends.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
No thanks, 28 yr old hitting on me at the bar… With our age difference, I wouldn’t be a cougar… more like a saber-toothed tiger.
I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?
I was living in the moment until I was evicted.
I don’t throw anything out anymore I just go to TGIFriday’s once a month and glue more shit to the wall no one notices try it
[Me, on my deathbed]
Wife: Is that what you’re going to wear?
I feel like this would increase accidents because if I saw that I would assume it’s a demon arriving to drag my soul to hell.
Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.
Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together
1997: Skynet becomes self-aware
2029: T-1s are sent to kill Sarah Connor
2034: Warranty expires on T-1s. 99% of them break down within hours
Obviously, it would be hugely childish & wrong to chuckle at Linus & Florian, the backbone of Germany’s hockey team.