Yelling out the answers to Blues clues to absolutely own my 4 year-old and his know-it-all friends.
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I asked 4 if she was excited to start school and she said she doesn’t need to go to school bc she already know lots of words and if she runs out she can just make them up
Seems a lot like 2021 keeps asking, “What would 2020 do?”
Me: The door’s locked
Salt: Push it
Me: It’s locked
Pepa: Push it
Me: That won’t work, think of something else
Salt:
Pepa:
Salt:
Pepa:
Both: Push it real good?
Call centre operator: “Sorry for the delay, bear with me … ”
Me: “Put the bear on, he probably knows more.”
U know your mind is gone when u get out of bath and realize u only shaved one leg
Unless u only have one leg… Then you’re good
[creating flamingos]
god: here’s your legs
flamingo: can I just have 1
god: no u have to use 2
flamingo: [narrows eyes & sucks teeth] we’ll see about that
. No Shoes
No Shirt
No Problem
Welcome To Walmart.
I stopped eating my feelings a few months ago and holy shit do I have a lot of them here now
I can’t tell if I lost weight or stretched out my pants beyond the point of no return.
DMV LADY: *showing my new license photo* Do you want to retake it?
Me: no I just look like that
Wait for it! 🤣👏😝
Any dogs trainers on this app? How do I train my dog to make margaritas?
He: did you burn dinner again?
Me: it’s a Flambé.
He: it’s mac and cheese
Me: it’s French mac and cheese!!
Darth Vader: Join me on the Dark Side, Luke!
Luke: I’ll never join you!
Vader: We have flex hours and Pizza Fridays!
Luke: NOOOOOO!!!
I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!
Boss : Why Are You Late?
She : Heavy Traffic
Boss : Is that my fault?
She : Did I Blame You
Doc: So, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet:
TENNIS
*cries over spilt milk*
*cries under spilt milk*
*cries adjacent to spilt milk*
*cries immediately to the left of spilt milk*
*cries diagona
If I don’t get an A for my daughter’s school project, I’m gonna be pissed.
I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again
*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*
Me serving decaf
Just said “finger bang” instead of “finger guns” and this is why I shouldn’t ever be allowed to speak in public.
About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.
*couple walking through the house they just bought*
Husband: Hey, honey, there’s an attic!
Wife: Really?
H: *peering into attic with a flashlight* There’s dust everywhere, except on that creepy Victorian doll staring at me.
*later*
Friend: Is there an attic?
Husband: No.
Husband: [turns car on, explicit 90s hip-hop blares] Wow, this is what you listen to with the kids?
Me: No, I put it on after I drop them off [changes stations]
6YO: Hey! Go back that’s my favorite!
her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall
FRIEND: are you going to watch star wars tonight?
ME: uhh…yeah…of course
[later]
ME: [looking up from telescope pointed at night sky] odd…they seem to all be getting along just fine
Even Benjamin Button would feel old by the time 2020 finally ends.
Friend: What are you going to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: Probably a scene.
Spelling out ‘A-L-E-X-A’ so your Alexa device doesn’t respond, is the new, spelling out ‘W-A-L-K’ so your dog doesn’t get excited.