Yelling REEEEEMIX, when your boss stutters on a conference call is looked down upon.
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My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.
So I’ve got that going for me.
[street fight]
Come at me bro!!
*guy rips off his shirt revealing bulging muscles
*I rip off my shirt revealing another shirt & run away
My toxic trait is skipping the cart at the grocery store thinking I only need a couple things and then getting to the checkout with 57 things precariously balanced on various parts of my body.
[calling a plumber to unclog my sink]
mario: yeah.. there’s a princess stuck in your drain
me: what
mario: *shrinking into a little man* i’m going in
BARISTA: Thanks for coming. Enjoy your coffee!
ME: Thanks. You too!
BARISTA: You too? Oh no. Not again.
*pours ninth cup of coffee for the day and drinks it while excitedly sobbing
To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.
I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.
BUY SUMMER CLOTHES. CRASH YOUR PLANE IN THE ANDES. EAT SUMMER CLOTHES.
At the end of “Grease,” the car just started flying and everyone was all, “Aw, good for them.”
Whoever has my voodoo doll, please pull it’s hand out of its pants.
-I heard this dog was chipped.
-Microchipped sir.
-I don’t care how small the chip is, I’m not paying full price.
Interviewer: why do u want to work here
me: revenge
ballet teacher: “The girls tell me you’re going to a country that doesn’t allow children?”
Yes. I’m in my parenting powermove liar liar pants on fire era.
Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.
Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.
My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.
I still can’t find a place with an alligator infested moat for under $2k/month, but I’m hopeful.
Almost done with my screenplay about the end of the world, and only cats survive.
I call it “Apocalypse Meow”.
4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.
me: help, my house is burning down!
mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it
When I find a bruise,
5% of the time I wonder “how the hell did I get that?”
95% of the time I press it to see if it hurts
If you get drunk and message your ex, don’t worry. When you wake up, send bitcoin ads and pretend you were hacked.
Toaster: Things are getting hot…. real hot, I’m getting close.
Me:
Toaster: Ahhhhhh!!!! I popped…
Me: I don’t think I really want that waffle anymore.
(Electricians.)
Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
I am trying to learn more about coding and some other computery type things and I think it’s been pretty neat. I see things like ‘this is a nested element’ and it’s like, yea, I like that. That element sounds cozy. I want to join it. Sit with it, talk and have some coffee.
pretty drunk right now and wow there is a lot of gravity on this planet
Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.
Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.