Yelling REEEEEMIX, when your boss stutters on a conference call is looked down upon.
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Me: Ok I’ll be back in 3 hours.
Boss: No, do it in your own time please.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 12 Flinglongs.
*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband:
[first day as a chef]
assistant: why is your hat squeaking
Me: You know what they say, “sticks and stones may break my bones-“
Doctor: Yes that’s exactly what happened.
Me: If I’m guilty of anything, it’s hating the way you change the subject
Judge: And all the murders you did
Me: There you go again
Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.
Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*
You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.
Started raining WHILE I was in the car wash. Like..
her: i’m a night owl
me: i’m an early bird
my worm: oh no!
I love how I can spend all day unabashedly getting naked and intimate with strangers but then wait until it’s dark outside to put my garbage on the curb because I do not want to be observed by people
santa: make me a hundred thousand PlayStations
elf: *holding only a hammer* how
If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.
[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please
Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?
everyone: “you changed”
the climate: i know 😞
*bedtime*
Me: What does Winnie sleep in?
10: Dad… no
Me: POOJAMAS!!
10: I’ll go straight to sleep if you’ll just stop.
Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.
Me: Guys, we have to leave for the store in an hour
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 15 min
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 5 min
Guys, we have to leave9yo: WHY?!? Where are we going?!?
Apparently just because I have the “mind of a child” I’m not allowed to sit on a Santa’s lap. Also it’s “illegal” to carry a brain around.
Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.
“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.
I call my office the playoffs because the best performers work longer while the poor performers go home.
Fellas,
If you kill a spider while you’re at her place, congratulations. You will be having sex.P.S. Bring a spider.
Chris: I don’t care.
Kris: I don’t kare either.
Me: guess who I bumped into at the store
My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone
click on one injured animal rescue video, the algorithm just goes “Oh you like this” & shows you dogs getting run over by lawnmowers forever
[on a movie date]
me: wanna kiss
date: no thanks
me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u
*grandpa walks in with a bearded man in a plaid shirt & skinny jeans*
“uhh grandpa who’s that?”
“my hip replacement”
*first date
(Me, texting) This is awful. She’s boring, has no sense of humor & rude
Her: You know you speak out loud when you text, right?
ME: I have crab like reflexes
DAD:I think you mean cat like reflexes
ME: [sitting in pot of boiling water] what