Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.
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It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.
I’ve had a lot of frank conversations with my daughters about the perils of growing up, drugs and boys and strangers and whatnot, but the one lesson I hope that sticks above all others is how they must be very, very careful about what they do to their eyebrows.
Guantanamo Bae
the rocks need my help
Perfect
There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science
I miss the days before security cameras, when everything at the store was free.
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
I’d really like for my friends to host an intervention for me, there’s nothing wrong or anything, I just think it would be cool to see everyone
This forever.
Thanks to ChristianMingle, I met the woman I will put through a terrifying emotional rollercoaster before I finally come out of the closet.
ME: We left the kids at their grandparents
FRIEND: Date night?
ME: No we just don’t like them anymore
I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.
“And we’re back at the Baby Walking Finals!”
“Our next competitor is attempting a 3 inch step…”
“He got his right foot down firmly and the grandparents are impressed. Can he stick the landing?”
“He’s coming down with his left foot and… Ohhhhh he’s fallen flat on his face!”
The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.
Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.
Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.
If you scorn a Canadian, they will carefully craft a voodoo doll of your likeness, and then dress it in mixed prints, or give it bangs when it has no business having them.
The struggle is real.
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!
1st snow: let’s play in the snow!
2nd snow: let’s watch movies about snow.
3rd snow: let’s move.
I’ve been practicing Social Distancing my whole life.. Just sayin.
My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.
i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks
my boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner “sometime,” so now we have to move.
Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear
Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree
[paying the check at dinner]
ME: how much should I tip her?
COW WAITRESS: oh no
Wife: “Ian is coming over.”
Me: “Ian from work or Ian who is good at disguises?”
Wife: “Ian-
*pulls off mask*
-who is good at disguises!”
Terrifying if literal: Liquid Plumber