yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas
You Might Also Like
Me: Did you know a cockroach can live for weeks with no head?
Him: That’s nothing. Husbands sometimes go for years.
Husband: Quick. What’s this song?
Me: Awful.
My 4yo niece: “You’re fat”
Me: “Santa died”
I just want to bring your heart to it’s knees.
… And while you’re down there…
shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
[8 AM – calling doctor’s office]
Answering machine: Our office hours are Monday thru Thursday 9:15 AM to 4 PM. We are closed from 11 AM to 2 PM for lunch. We are closed Friday and weekends. Please leave a message. [beep]
Me: Are you…are you guys hiring?
Software Development ⛵️
One of the dumbest things I ever heard was a friend of mine asking for advice about his wife being pissed at him for a week straight. She’d been trying to spice up their love life and asked him what he liked that she didn’t know about and he said Asian girls lmfao
[Walking around the office]
*Sees nosepicker*
*Hears burper*
*Smells gas*Boss: What are you doing?
Calculating the…”Gross Margin.”
Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles
Bartender: What can I get you?
Me: Sex, beards, rock & roll?
Bartender:
Me: Sparkling vampire crazy about me?
Bartender:
Me: Beer.
I am not that kind of woman…I”m much worse.
This year my wife and I decided to make each other handmade gifts for Christmas. She knitted me a hat and I made her a grilled cheese sandwich.
My family tasked me with prepping the canned cranberry sauce and I don’t eat berries from a can so I had no idea how it was supposed to be. It looked like jello so I smashed it all up and apparently I was supposed to slice it. My grandma is crying
[Invention of the universal remote]
“This changes everything.”
Husband: *opens the bathroom door and walks out*
Me: *texts him from Target* Turn off the lights and wash your hands!
Aragorn: If I can protect you, I will. You have my sword
Legolas: And you have my bow
Gimli: and my axe
Steve: and my 439 Twitter followers
“I’m gonna call it a day.”
– God, naming things
Me: *opening can of worms
Husband: Where the hell did that come from?
Me: I can’t resist a sale.
Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.
I’m gonna be so pissed if I die in the middle of an argument I’m about to win.
MOM STOP LICKING YOUR FINGER TO CLEAN MY FACE I’M IN A GANG NOW
Me: tushy tushy!
Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*
Why do they call it “delivering” a baby? If I have to drive to the hospital and then take the baby home, it’s not delivery, it’s baby takeout.
Wearing a pretty new bra today that nobody else is gonna see, so everytime I go to the bathroom, I flash myself in the mirror.
(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school
[boxing match]
TRAINER: Give him the old ‘one-two’
CHAMP: I’m not too good at math
TRAINER: Ok…a left and a right
CHAMP: Or politics
Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?