Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.
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What do you call the yellow ones?
-Yellow labs.
And the black ones?
-Black labs.
So the brown ones are-
-No we named those after dog poison.
You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.
gf: i’m breaking up with you.
me: is it my drinking habits?
gf: well it…
me: *interrupts with empty cup straw-sipping noise for 2 minutes*
I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.
[joins a conga line]
me: I can leave any time I like
[someone joins behind]
me: oh no
Other kids growing up wanted to be a cowboy or a spaceman. Me, I wanted to be a hippopotamus.
And I’ve still got time.
Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.
*whistling*
Husband: There’s blood in the entry way. What happened?
Me: I’m decorating for Halloween.
Husband: But It’s real blood.
Me: *continues whistling*
I am rebranding my disorganized and cluttered house as a ‘masterclass of maximalism’
HONEY I ACCIDENTALLY FILLED THE BABY’S BOTTLE WITH RED BULL
Oh god, is he sick
HE’S GOT ME IN A HEAD LOCK AND IS SAYING I’M A NERD. CALL 911
The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
My friend just broke up with her man. I really helped her through the break up by letting her know he’s no good in bed anyway.
Coach: Hi I’m Coach Mike. Let’s all introduce ourselves!
7yo: I’m Coach Tommy
Coach: No wait…
Next kid: Let’s all be coaches!
*the whole team cheers*
Welcome to U8 soccer, Mike.
You can totally mistake a slipper for a cat when you don’t have your glasses on. Even after you pet it, you can’t be sure.
My 7-year-old asked for her first alarm clock for Christmas.
We just got it set up.
I’ve never seen someone so happy about having their life ruined forever.
I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.
My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.
[watching kids make snowman]
Me: Hey honey, do you still keep that thing hidden in your dresser?
Wife: Yes…why?
Me (pointing): I don’t think that’s a carrot they used for his nose…
Vodka = liquid CTRL + ALT + DELETE
My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.
[poking you repeatedly in the shoulder] I’ll keep this up until you acknowledge me. I’ve got nowhere else to be.
Worst part of my old job was drug screenings. Had to tell a guy he was pregnant. Lesson: don’t use your girlfriend’s urine for testing.
[2 monkeys in a bath]
Monkey 1: OOOHH OOHH AHH AHHH AHAH!!
Monkey 2: If it’s too hot Colin, put some cold water in
Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?
Historians say teenagers in medieval times would send an average of 180 tiny scrolls by raven per day
the era of facebook check-ins was nothing but toxic chaos for our friendships. like what do you mean you’re at cvs without me.
I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.
Cashier: your total comes to $59
Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice