Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):
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Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.
Man: Is there a doctor in the house?
Dr: I have a PHD in literature
Man: This man is having a heart attack!
Dr: Thou know’st ’tis common; all that lives must die…
After 23 years together my wife asked me why I test out couches by laying on them. It’s like she doesn’t even know my track record by now
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20
Mark Wahlberg will star in 6 films over the next 14 months meanwhile Donnie Wahlberg just placed 7th in a Donnie Wahlberg look alike contest
Me: I’m on the moth diet
Her: that’s not what ‘eating light’ means
Me: *coughing up moths* what?
My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.
Wife: I can’t find my phone
Me: Want me to call it?
Wife: Sure, I –
Me: PHONE, HERE BOY
[cop sniffing me] you’re all over the road get out of the vehicle
[me after putting on too much hand cream] I’ll try
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
My son (11) was talking to his friends playing fortnite and I hear him say, “My mom is a big deal on the internet” to which one of the kids said, “Is she on Onlyfans?” And son said, “What’s that?” And other kid said, “Google it” and when I say I have never run so fast in my life
hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”
… when can I look forward to that starting?
When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.
Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?
I can’t understand a damn word this accent pillow is saying.
Me: will you wake your sister
4: no that’s way too scary
Me: Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your McOrder?
McDonalds Boss: Again *rubs temples* you don’t need to put Mc in front of words
Me: Oh ok *turns back to customer* welcome to Donalds
carpooler: what’d you think “beat the traffic” meant?
ryu from streetfighter: I don’t wanna talk about it
Shattner didn’t go to Nimoy’s funeral, and Obama’s been on the phone all weekend with the Vulcan ambassador, trying to smooth things over.
I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?
“If I wanted to see a clown, I would have gone to the circus.”
What I actually said:
“Yes, Claire, you’re makeup looks lovely today!”
If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe
If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.
Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax
Trebek: This aromatic drink shares its name with a letter of the English alphabet
Other contestants: *trying to ring in*
Me: [triumphantly] What is pee?
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something constructive like IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE WEARING?
Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes
Coworker: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: *stabs them in the neck with a pen*
Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14
Roses are red, I stole them from the neighbor’s garden.
~poetry