*yells from space*
Did you kill that spider?!
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What do Me, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have in common? You guessed it: we’re all white.
gf: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i act like i know everything?
gf: yea-
me: i knew it
next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom
Her: your SO annoying!
Me: you’re 😐
NASA engineer: the shuttle is completely automated so sit back and relax
[5 minutes later]
me *wedged into a drive-thru* ok dont be mad
My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks
me: I’d like one mcdouble please
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: ok one mcdouble please, ur majesty
You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner
Trumpy Cat
Newborn babies implies there are oldborn babies and honestly that’s terrifying
*holding a toilet plunger at 7am* Oh I don’t know. How do you THINK today is going?
“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”
Timmy: stupid?
“Exactly”
Husband: Now that our younger son is 6 and our older one doesn’t turn 10 for a few months, you know what that means
Me: No, what?
H: It’s the summer of 6 and 9
Me: get out
[shark tank]
“Hi, what’s your product idea?”
Product? [holding bucket of live fish] I’m here to see the tank of sh-… I’ve made a mistake
No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.
My husband walked out the door, smiled & said, “Have a good day!” like he doesn’t even realize he’s leaving me home with his children.
ZOMBIE: *squishing brains through fingers* got your knows
Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?
Everybody.
You’d think being an introvert is less dangerous, but I just ran across 3 lanes of traffic to avoid interacting with a crossing guard.
Doctor: what seems to be the problem?
Me: I need to be docted
Doctor: you came to the right place. I’m a doctor. I doct people
I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito
60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.
“Hi, I’m calling for info on your bicycle on Craigslist.”
It’s heavy, brown, has new shoes, and loves carrots. It’s definitely not a horse.
You’ll be able to find love if you’re a good person, but first your parents need to die.
-Disney
Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.
Saw a cloud stuck in a tree so I climbed it and tried to shake it loose but now I’m stuck in a cloud please help
I don’t know who needs to hear this but women don’t really wear flowery see-through dresses to ride horses in real life.
[during sex]
Me: So do you LIKE like me or
Sue from work says putting zucchini in her brownie makes it incredibly moist. I told Sue I’ve had similar successes.
what if wolves are onto something? maybe we’ll be happier if we scream at the moon every night