*yells up to treehouse*
me: what are you girls doin?
them: *yells back* chattin and braidin!
me: *climbing up* WAIT ARE THOSE BOY’S NAMES, I DON’T KNOW ANYMORE
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Cops: you’re not allowed to drink in a moving car
Some Guy: what if it’s a really long car
Cops: oh well that’s different
[Me narrating a documentary on spiders] OH GOD GROSS OH JESUS DISGUSTING THERE’S ONE ON ME RIGHT NOW ISN’T THERE OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD
Scientists say that dinosaurs and humans didn’t coexist but the makers of The Flintstones clearly dispute this so I’m not sure.
I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…
and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
Me: smells good, what’s cooking?
Wife: bacon
Me: *rolls eyes* wHat’s BaKiNg
You can buy wedding cake even if there’s no wedding, those suckers don’t even check
it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware
I think my toddler said her first three word sentence today. I was so proud! I asked her if she wanted a hug and she said “no want it!”
[ants at a Def Leppard concert]
*Pour Some Sugar on Me starts*
Ant 1: Oh hell yeah I love this one
Ant 2: Sugar is good for us and the queen
Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.
Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* “Figures.”
I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable Four Wedgies and a Funeral
me: you’ve changed since you go the pfizer vaccine
Jepfpf: no I haven’t
Geopfpf: I think she was talking to me
wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father
me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that
I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.
One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.
Dolls on drugs
I have never seen a construction crane being put in place. They just show up.
I’m working on my core muscles so I can rise out of a coffin dramatically.
O Wise One….
Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?
Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.
My 1-year-old is learning to give a high-five, but she’s unclear on where her hand should land. She basically just slaps people in the face.
Me: Where my favorite girl in the whole world?
Wife: Right here!
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You were talking to the dog, weren’t you?
Me: Yes
7:43 pm: I am in an argument with my girlfriend and my anger is justified
7:51 pm: I have just apologized for the Salem Witch Trials
I’m as disappointed as a cop in an 80s movie who just took a sip of coffee that he poured from the pot in the precinct break room.
only 11 steps left
son: hey dad
me: [picks up phone, dials 9] yes
son: now don’t get mad
me: [dials 1] ok
son: do we have a fire extinguisher
me: [dials 1]
I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born