[Yelp Customer Review]
Bill’s Wild West Saloon
Tasty food served in giant sheriff’s badges. I give it ate out of tin stars
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In my defense, I’m not sure why you kept the bags of quicksand next to the bags of regular sand.
I’ve had my phone battery die at a family function. Nothing scares me now.
Films whose titles give away the ending:
• Sole Survivor
• Drag Me To Hell
• Saving Private Ryan
• Death of a Salesman
• Bruce Willis is A Ghost
If by putting clean sheets on my bed you mean I piled unfolded clean sheets on my bed and then used them as a cuddle buddy for a week, then yes, I put new sheets on my bed.
Witch 1: *crying* the doctor said I can’t have kids
Witch 2: oh no, why?
Witch 1: I need to watch my cholesterol
If doctors were truly empathetic they would wear backless gowns too
google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law
Principal: about your son…
Dad: our son?
Mom: is he ok??
Principal: yes, yes. but you see, we’ve found that your son is cool. very cool. far too cool to have parents like you. [hits the intercom] Betty, please bring them in.
[Betty enters with cooler parents]
Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: why
Wife: because you always make up lies to get me intrigued
Me: well then I guess you’ll never find the buried treasure
{Stalker Diary}
Went through his trash.
He buys the generic Fruit Loops. I remain committed. I find his frugalness irresistible.
Me: Was this product tested on animals?
Clerk: Yes.
Me: [outraged] I knew it!!!!
Clerk: Sir, that’s a dog leash.
Guy who invented coffee:
“Don’t even talk to me until I’ve invented coffee”
Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.
One day I’m gonna write a book about a recipe blogger that confesses to murder in every single recipe on their website but they never get caught because no one reads the 12 pages of text before the recipe.
Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!
When I was a kid I could fall asleep literally anywhere, wake up, and be good to go. Now if I sleep on a mattress that’s slightly too soft I can’t walk for three days
*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.
I bet Seal is terrified of shark week.
Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*
Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.
*methodically going through sword maneuvers, but with a foot long sub*
Son, one day you will learn these moves just as my father taught me, and my father’s father taught him. It is the way of our people. The way of the peaceful warrior. The Subway.
This 3 hour home security video of me coming home drunk & trying to sneak through our motion sensor flood light should be on Netflix.
I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.
BABY: WAAAAAAA-
ME: Shhhh, it’s okay.
BABY: -AAAAAAAA-
ME: shhhh….
BABY: -AAAAAALUIGI!
ME: wtf
BABY: (whispering) No one will believe you.
Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.
Boss: For your first assignment I need 500 words about the healthcare debate by Friday
Me: *lied about going to journalism school* Oh wow ok umm
Bad
Unhealthy
Debateful
Shouty
Sadfaceemoji
Scary
Awkward
Hashtagnotgoals
Angr-
The weather forecast should include the percentage of answers blowing in the wind
What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.
I have unrealistic expectations of my anti aging cream