Yelp Review: Babies
Cute at first, but then screamy like angry pterodactyls. There is literally poop everywhere. Would not recommend.
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Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones
Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT
My Kid: (seeing Wife with a plate of fries) Mommy, can I have some of your fries?
Wife: No. (Points at me who is also having fries) Go ask Daddy
My Kid: Daddy, can I have some of Mommy’s fries
My Brain: Don’t high five your kid right now. Don’t high five your kid right now…
The worst part of eating dessert is when it’s interrupted by the nagging thought that it’s not healthy for you. So I eat really fast and beat the thought completely.
[Sea fishing]
Me: This is fun.
[Deep sea fishing]
Me: Many men go fishing all their lives without knowing that it’s not fish they’re after.
I lost my voice so basically I’m every mans dream girl right now.
My mom registered to see me speak at an academic conference at Yale, and under “affiliation” on the form she wrote “Sarah’s mom” 😂
“Of course the water feels harder at higher speeds. The molecules have to separate.”
[You wish the chemist to whom you are married watched the Olympic diving trials just for the pretty girls. But when do you ever get what you want?]
me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this
my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired
BOND: The name’s Bond. James Bond.
ME: That’s a weird way to say your name, dude.
BOND: I’m a spy.
ME: You are bad at all parts of this.
my feed is like:
ANIMAL CROSSING
eat the billionaires
we are all doomed
ANIMAL CROSSING
gummy bears singing ‘Someone Like You’
ANIMAL CROSSING
we are gonna die
ANIMAL CROSSING
*sharpening guillotines*
ANIMAL CROSSING
ANIMAL CROSSING
SOCIALISM NOW
ANIMAL CROSSING
I think Australians should have to go 3 rounds in the ring with a kangaroo before they eat him.
hell hath no fury like a toddler who lost the chance to push a button
“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene
Don’t bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up, I will lick you.
21: Falls off second story balcony, laughs it off
51: “I’m no doctor but I’m pretty sure it’s not supposed to hurt when you button your pants”
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.
I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.
That is why I don’t flirt
Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:
From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”
Today my 3yo said that we should celebrate because today is my last birthday… WAIT YOU LITTLE NOSTRADAMUS SHIT WHAT DO YOU KNOW?
I had to memorize a random 18 digit password before she’d let me in. Guess who stole your Soap Opera Digest out of the mailbox, Mom?
VILLAIN: Hello, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expecting-
BOND: OMG congrats! How far along are you?
V: What? No-
B: Have you picked out a name yet?
you play enough angry birds and you realize: the angry bird is you.
I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.
Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.
My favorite sport ? Lasagna
Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?
Me: I want you.
Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?
I want a job waking people up that I dislike.
Or I guess I could just get married