Yelp review: Excellent food, friendly service. That said, I did notice a smudge on a window and was forced to set the building on fire

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Why go through the trouble of becoming an astronaut when you could just put a plastic bag over your head and roll down a hill in a freezer?


Online shopping is a scam, I ordered my wife expensive jewelry but they sent new fishing gear


Me: Whats wrong babe?
Her: Nothing.
Me:*Pauses DVD of Shrek 2 that Ive had on a loop since losing my job* No somethings wrong I can tell.


Life of an Editor:

I just sat here for a good minute or so going, “Goatfully? That can’t be it. What’s the word I’m looking for? STOP saying ‘goatfully,’ brain!”

It was “sheepishly,” folks.


ME: Behold! I’ve invented the ultimate truth serum!

WIFE: I never loved you

ME: Wait, no, you’re supposed to drink it first


I wish they had an app that allows you to delete your number from other ppl’s phones.


Me at home: I want peace on earth and good will to men.

Me while grocery shopping: If one more idiot blocks the aisle, I’m going to run them over with my cart like grandma getting run over by a reindeer.


My kid’s high school did a random search of all the lockers today and guess who’s teenager stood in front of her locker and yelled, “SHOW ME THE WARRANT!!”


Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.


[job interview]

What’s ur greatest strength?

“I wear too much cologne”

No, I mean-

“A lady legit passed out when I got in the elevator”