@bridger_w

Yelp review: Excellent food, friendly service. That said, I did notice a smudge on a window and was forced to set the building on fire

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@Contwixt

Why go through the trouble of becoming an astronaut when you could just put a plastic bag over your head and roll down a hill in a freezer?

@IAmYardDad

Online shopping is a scam, I ordered my wife expensive jewelry but they sent new fishing gear

@okimstillhungry

Me: Whats wrong babe?
Her: Nothing.
Me:*Pauses DVD of Shrek 2 that Ive had on a loop since losing my job* No somethings wrong I can tell.

@GHargraveWrites

Life of an Editor:

I just sat here for a good minute or so going, “Goatfully? That can’t be it. What’s the word I’m looking for? STOP saying ‘goatfully,’ brain!”

It was “sheepishly,” folks.

@fowlerism

ME: Behold! I’ve invented the ultimate truth serum!

WIFE: I never loved you

ME: Wait, no, you’re supposed to drink it first

@TuffyNyC

I wish they had an app that allows you to delete your number from other ppl’s phones.

@AbbyHasIssues

Me at home: I want peace on earth and good will to men.

Me while grocery shopping: If one more idiot blocks the aisle, I’m going to run them over with my cart like grandma getting run over by a reindeer.

@Parkerlawyer

My kid’s high school did a random search of all the lockers today and guess who’s teenager stood in front of her locker and yelled, “SHOW ME THE WARRANT!!”

@The_MartiniGirl

Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.

@Reverend_Scott

[job interview]

What’s ur greatest strength?

“I wear too much cologne”

No, I mean-

“A lady legit passed out when I got in the elevator”