Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.
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My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?
Me: Any news?
Doctor: I’m just waiting for your x-ray.
Me: But I’ve never dated anyone called Ray.
Doctor: And we might do a brain scan.
I think you misunderstood–when I said, “Let me look into it” that meant, “I don’t know exactly how to tell you no just yet”
After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.
Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!
I’m not a religious person but I am thankful that God didn’t make spiders that fly.
The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd
No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.
[staring up at the sky]
ME: what does that cloud look like to you?
11YR OLD DAUGHTER: I’d say it’s a semi-transparent altocumulus, or at least something of the stratocumuliform physical category
ME: well I see a corn dog
me: what’s your favorite part of fall?
4: jumping in piles of leaves
me: that’s fun. do you like anything else?
4: money
There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?
Son hunted 4 part of our family dinner 2night! With steady nerve & calm focus, he tracked down the hot dog buns for us at the grocery store.
A wise man once said if you understand why pizza is round, placed in a square box, and eaten as a triangle you will also understand falling victim to reading a long meaningless tweet and then share it in hopes of making someone else a victim of the tweeters cruel game.
People who get stoned in glass houses should probably wear pants
…or whatever that saying is
Dear Cereal Makers,
Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?
I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day
Even before the internet, I always had a little side chat going on in my head.
Me: God, I just feel so
Brain: HUNGRY
M: No, I’m very alone. I desperately want
B: FOOD
M: Part of me is missing. All I need is
B: PRINGLES
I would have become a Hare Krishna
if only I had the chants.
Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.
This is my daughter Amaranth, my son Sorghum, and our dog Millet. Sorry if the photo is a little — grainy.
Boom! Zing! This is free content!
Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.
me: [dancing in a well lit area]
Bruce Springsteen: absolutely not
Christian Bale named his son Burrito Bale when he could have named him Taco Bale. I want that noted the next time the conversation comes up about who’s the best Batman.
My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.
Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.
I’m the kind of guy who peeks under bathroom stalls and asks where you go for taxes.
Who called it a hot dog rolling grill and not a roller toaster
When is it appropriate to double text someone?
I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding