Yep.
You Might Also Like
Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!
There are 3 types of guys in this world
● 1) Handsome
● 2) Lucky
● 3) Me
It used to be a 5-second rule before doggo here whittled it down to 2 seconds
Life in your 40’s:
Friend: Come on…have a drink with me, it’s Saturday night!
Me: No thanks, I have to work Tuesday.
Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.
Working from home is the best. Whenever I take off my bra at the office, people get so weird.
Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.
When I first went on the pill, I put on a bit of weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.
Doctor: congrats! Have you chosen a name yet?
Me: well i love Reese’s Pieces so
Doctor: Reese is a lovely name
Me: *holds baby up* meet Pieces
My husband gave me a break by doing the grocery shopping, but he didn’t take the kids with him so, I don’t think he knows how breaks work.
Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet
Me: Sleep time
Brain: Remember in 9th grade when you rhymed “bridges” with “bridges” in a poem & didn’t notice till you were reciting aloud?
I needed this laugh 😂😂😂
the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing
13 years of marriage and my husband has never asked me to make him a salad
When does he ask for one? During a pandemic when we’ve run out of vegetables and grocery pick up is in three days
The Roman Empire: was not built in one day
The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes
I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a veterinarian
Me: thank you for your service
Date: veterinarian not veteran
Me: ok but still
I won’t ever use botox. I want everyone to know when I’m scowling at them. My general disdain is much more powerful than my vanity.
me: hate mechanics who talk down to me
also me: this guy is perfect
[Bowling date]
Her: Your shoes are HUGE! Does that mean…
Me: Yes [Whispers seductively] I have an 8 inch toe
When writing science fiction, always Google your made-up planet name; 9 times out of 10, it’s an existing yeast infection medication.
Bravo, Oscar, Oscar, Bravo, Sierra
I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl
Don’t call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet.
ME: I think I chipped a tooth
GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time
[camping]
Her: *pointing* What’s that?
Me: Decoy bacon sammich. For bears
H: *tuts*
M: We’re safe as long as it’s there
H: Right…
*later – cut to me eating the sammich*
*later still – cut to me being mauled by a grizzly*
M: I get no pleasure saying this, but told you so
My wife just said “I’m fine” and “Do whatever you want” in a single sentence so if you never see another tweet from me again, y’all know the reason.
I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.
Me: Is anyone gonna eat this?
Them: That’s a baby.
Me: *rolling my eyes* that’s why I asked first.