“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
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If I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.
Why is everything so sticky?
-parenthood
I don’t understand Christian heavy metal. Like why are they so angry for Jesus?
Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.
It really doesn’t feel like Christmas until Pavarotti is singing “Oh Holy Night” to the counterpoint of my wife shouting at the cats to get out of the tree
If you ever lose your dog just open up a bag of chips.
My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.
Surgeon: I’ll be taking out your appendix today
Me: [stomach rumbles]
Surgeon: [puts stethoscope to my tummy]
Appendix: I have a boyfriend
This is a true ally.
*shouting like a carnival barker* Worry, worry, worry!
My 7yo lost his lunchbox, but he did bring home a giant leaf, so I guess we’ll just wrap up his lunch in that from now on.
“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.
Murdered!? Give our law firm a call today!
I prefer to watch like nobody is dancing
HUSBAND: Can you hand me the salad spinner?
ME: Give me a second, I need to finish drying my panties first.
ME: You wouldn’t believe these sparklers I got!
SPOUSE: That’s dynamite!
ME: *waiving around the lit fuse* I know! It’s really cool!
SPOUSE: *already running*
The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.
titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee
Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
God, I hate Apple. I updated my iPhone software and now I’m missing a bunch of photos, 30 bucks from my dresser and my favorite pants.
People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: No! I have things to do, people to talk to, and I haven’t been outside in 3 days
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: ok
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
waiter: bread for the table?
me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)
Pretty much! 😂👀
Started out with a kiss how did it end up like this?
CDC: I thought we were pretty clear.
There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.
Idiot.
I’m going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.
Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?
Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”