yes 911 i need to report a kidnapping. lol yeah there’s a baby goat asleep in my lap. no dont send cops you’ll wake him up
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I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!
The Kardashians is what happens when you feed a gremlin after midnight.
Since when is a sweater vest not business casual?
Work is telling me I can’t wear them anymore unless I have a shirt underneath.
If she’s interested in you she will reply
If she isn’t, she won’t
Unless she’s thinking about it then who knows how long it could take
I found a lost dog whose tag said 905-555-4598. Who would name a dog that?
“I have a cure for your burning bush.” — Moses hitting on the ladies
I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesnt play the song I want.
A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.
Waiter: can I take your order?
Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT
Opponent: I wish you luck
Me: Tha—
Opponent: But I also wish to suck the marrow from the bones of your defeated corpse.
Me, picks up ping pong paddle: okey dokey
[pilot on plane intercom] Is there a doctor on boa… *extreme vomiting noises*… Is there an exorcist on boa… *sound of pilot being eaten*…[demon voice] Does anyone on board have any tabasco sauce?
When people show me pictures of their kids I show them pictures of my exes. If I have to look at their mistakes, they have to look at mine.
Teenagers are most fun when they’re asked to clean up the mess they’ve made themselves.
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
Did my fruit just move?
Pear-anormal activity
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
Oh, I bet you would be
I took my kids to the pool for the first time this season.
I figured they’d wear themselves out in an hour.
Instead, we’re on hour three, and they’re still going strong, while I need a nap.
Maybe they can carry me home.
Shades by Gucci, shirt by Dolce&Gabbana, face by Douchebag.
I miss getting my misinformation from less places
When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?
Our neighbors have little kids, so they hosted a “New Year in London” party
They dressed up, played croquet on the front lawn, watched a livestream from London, and were done by 6:30pm central 😂
Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I’m like, that’s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I’m more fun than I actually am
Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.
Me on a diet: being fat is fine.
Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…
I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″
‘Trying to figure out why the police and I seem to chase the same type of guys’
The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell
Would you rather live without coffee or without Wi-Fi?