Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.
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You feel like you’re an okay parent winging it as best as possible and then you ask your almost 4yo what her favorite number is and she says “A”.
Conversational tip: For every minute that you spend talking about yourself, set aside 10 seconds for the other person to say something; give them time to give you a compliment.
*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!
Some people like to stir the pot…
…I prefer to smoke it.
Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting
There once was a man on zoom
Whose stomach had started to fume
He really had to toot
Forgot to hit mute
A problem when your living room is also the conference room
Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.
*Arrives at the barbers*
“I’d like some highlights please”
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*
SALMON: Who has been spreading gossip I thought I could trust you two
TROUT: I don’t know, who could it be?!
BIG MOUTH BASS: Yeah, who??
If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified
Barista: “Welcome to Starbucks!”
Me: “Large coffee please.”
B: “It’s venti!”
Me: “Then close all the windows after you get my large coffee.”
[at work]
“Mornin, Margaret.”
“Mornin. You’re late today.”
[looks at watch]
“Not as late as your dead husband though, am I?”
It’s okay if you didn’t notice that I switched my beard trimmer’s setting from 6 to 5. The difference is stubble.
when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down
ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye
MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird
Decolonizing something is when you remove perfume from it
you can’t piss me off. you’re not the doorknob i keep getting my clothes caught on.
Going to a wedding this weekend. Can’t decide if I want to sit on the bride’s side or groom’s side because that’s basically choosing who I will represent in their future divorce. No pressure.
I’m so grateful when people tell me to drive safe cause then I remember not to drive off that cliff.
I’m at the “buy bigger jeans” part of my Eat. Pray. Love. journey.
*wakes up in cold sweat*
SHOULDN’T ELEVATORS BE CALLED SOMETHING ELSE ON THE WAY DOWN?
Me: I prefer telling outside jokes.
Coworker: Don’t you mean inside jokes?
Me: Not to you
Making French toast is a lot like making regular toast. The only difference is that you use your tongue.
One day I’m gonna write a book about a recipe blogger that confesses to murder in every single recipe on their website but they never get caught because no one reads the 12 pages of text before the recipe.
Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.
My wife was annoyed because the fridge was beeping, I’d left the door open to long while looking, in my defense I couldn’t find my keys anywhere else.
[On the way home from school pick-up]
Me: So, what did you do at school today?
9: I burned down everything that exists.
5: No you didn’t! Then why is that fence there? Why am I here?
9: I also trapped my brother in a world of make-believe.
Don’t underestimate me. I’ve got that covered.
Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.
Catch Pokemon?
No thanks. I’m STD- Free.