Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.
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What do whales do on a date?
Net flicks and krill.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Had to get a new washer dryer (17 yrs! Thanks Maytag) and the guys installing it asked “you didn’t make this your wife’s Christmas present right?”
“No”
“Cause the guy at the last house did and that was a bad scene man”
You know you’ve outstayed your welcome when a British person asks “what time’s your train?”
“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou
Good Cop: *reaches for his gun*
Intimate Moment Cop: *reaches for the same gun and their hands touch*
I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.
I still remember when my 10th grade English teacher told us we were going to have a special guest FOR WEEKS and then the special guest turned out to be him in a hat.
[The Beatles writing Here Comes The Sun]
Paul: so what should come after here comes the sun?
[Ringo screams from bathroom]: Doo Doo, Doo Doo
[at parent-teacher night]
Teacher:*looking at my coffee tumbler*
I see you’re a coffee enthusiast, tooMe: Coffee? Oh…yeah, coffee*wink*
God: you’re a coyote.
Coyote: ok! what street did you grow up on?
God: Heavenly Way.
Coyote: what about your first pets name?
God: Sprinkles : )
Coyote: awww last four of your social?
God: 0001, why?
Coyote: no reason.
[later]
Coyote: [to Acme] I wanna buy rocket skates.
broke: animals can’t go to heaven because they don’t wait til marriage to have sex
woke: u can teach a parrot to say the sinner’s prayer, parrots will be in heaven, parrots everywhere
Don’t think that computers should be allowed to make those ‘dun-dun’ error noises at me. It’s not polite. I am trying my best.
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department
A cashier could hand me a receipt & say “go online and fill out the survey and in a week they’ll deposit $10M into your bank account” and I still wouldn’t take the damn survey.
friend: they say pennywise takes form of your greatest fear
[later]
tv: the big bang theory marathon starts now!
me: holy shit it’s him
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.
I got jort-martialed
Its probably time to clean the microwave when you heat coffee and it comes out smelling like a burrito.
“You kids and your smartphones, when we were your age we just dealt with having nothing to do with our hands.”
*Lights another cigarette*
Washed out as a mathlete. Now I (secretly) call myself an algebranaut.
Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.
My timeline is flooded with ads for push up bras. I know I’m out of shape but that’s just mean, Twitter.
HAN: Chewie what the hell are you doing
CHEWBACCA: *wearing a three piece suit* rawwrhh aarrhhr rweoorrar
HAN: why do you need a business loan
My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”
hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive
My sex tape is me laying on the bed trying to zip my skinny jeans from last year.
Wait a second…
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.