Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.
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*watching my hamster gnaw on his tiny broadsword*
you are a disgrace to your lineage and bring great shame upon this house
Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!
if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?
You would think my neighbors would appreciate me petting their dogs every day.
But nooooo, they’re too worried about how I keep getting into their house.
Barney: I love you, you love me
Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Me: 🎵 mama
My Mom: hi son
Me: 🎵 just killed a man
My Mom: new phone who dis
There are 2 wolves inside me and they’re both eating tacos
Mrs. Kowalski left the class mortified, unable to believe just how badly she’d misinterpreted what they had meant by Pole dancing.
Her: I wish you’d just grow up.
Me: That’s a horrible thing to wish upon someone.
what i say: do not eat food outside of the kitchen
what my kids hear: eat food ALL over the house. i don’t even care if you use plates or bowls. i love stepping and sitting in crumbs and shit.
i think they should have thrown one avenger in with all the scientists in oppenheimer. just one little tiny scene where oppenheimer, feynmann, and fermi are sitting around like “well, what do you think, Ant Man?”
[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows
My most impressive dance move is carrying a watermelon.
Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something
*stops lecturing woman in white lab-coat and turns to camera*
“When my doctor first told me I was a ‘mansplainer’, I had a lot of answers.”
me: looks like santa came early
santa: this never happens, youre just so hot
idk who needs to hear this but if you ever need to move a lamb over a wall, here u go
If he can’t build a wall, Trump is going to dig a giant hole at the border and cover it with a welcome mat like it’s a Road Runner cartoon.
My math teacher thought it would be fun to use food as props to demonstrate math equations.
Sadly, I got sausages.
I can’t think of a wurst problem!
#HatDadJoke #IWroteThisStinker
Me: I’m into fitness
Trainer: not again
M: fitness whole pizza in my mouth
T: you should go
M: this isn’t going to “workout”
T: LEAVE NOW
Making a Jurassic Park movie about a guy who went the day before the dinosaurs broke out and is trying to be sensitive about it but also really wants to show you his pictures.
Brit 1:
“They’ve… just stepped away from their desk for a minute, can I take a message?”Translation: They’re staring straight at me.
Brit 2:
“Yes, when they get back can you let them know I’ve called?”Translation: I know they’re still at their desk.
There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to
Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-11 last night. Hope I don’t catch slurpees.
January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.
So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”
And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.
Hi I’m in my forties and I cry when I drop something on the floor and have to bend over and pick it up.
Someone just said “can you imagine what it must have been like to have been old enough to remember the royal wedding?!”
and i thought they were talking Charles and Diana.
but they meant Will and Kate ☠️
For some reason I’m an extremely secretive
person. Don’t ask me why