Yes, Barbie gave us unrealistic body standards. But she also gave us unrealistic expectations about boyfriends being willing to wear matching neon outfits and rollerblade with you.
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anyone: here let me pay you for that thing you did for me
me: NO ABSOLUTELY NOT I FORBID IT. HONESTLY IT WAS MY PLEASURE. SO HAPPY TO HELP
also me: why don’t I ever have any money :,(((
A “why working from home is bad” guest column, but from a guy who has clearly cased your house, and is waiting for the chance to rob you during the day
I slapped my hands but they never listen they just keep tapping that keyboard anyways
Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.
My 3yo came running towards me, I opened my arms ready for the biggest hug from him until he stopped right in front of me, wiped his nose on my sleeve and ran away
That’s motherhood summed up for you
POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb
[wife gets home & sees shit on the rug]
What’s this?“It was Rover he w..”
*dog makes throat slice gesture*“It was me. I shit on the rug”
No you can’t throw a ham at the rotor blade so it slices the ham up, that’s literally the first thing we taught you in helicopter school
Walked in on my 5yo absolutely destroying his punching bag so I’m not even gonna ask him what kind of day he had at school today.
Me: *draws pentagram, chants in latin*
Demon: *possesses me*
Me: *head spins around, neck cracks several times* ahh yeah that’s the shit
Demon: same time next week?
Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.
People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?
You drop ONE baby and everyone’s all like, “Quit juggling babies Steve. You’re the worst babysitter ever!”
You ever just look at your spouse and KNOW they’re the one you want to fall asleep really soon so you don’t have to share your pizza rolls with?
I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required
gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.
Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.
Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.
I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.
But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.
Tom and Jerry fooled me into thinking dogs bullied cats when it’s the opposite in reality
i don’t know who needs to hear this but you can totally just buy an ink stamp that says CLASSIFIED and stamp it on whatever you want
I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.
[Giving directions in America]
Go two blocks down and take a left on 4th
[Directions in England]
Go down this road, past the big tree, over the bridge throwing a snack to the troll, dodge the wizard and it’s right there on the edge of the magical forest
“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]
Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?
Me: [horrified] I love it
If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.
When I told someone at work I didn’t have plans for Halloween because I’m not 5 y/o, she seemed stunned. I guess I really do look young.
*carefully examining the markings on a reticulated python as it squeezes me to death* just as I suspected. this is definitely a snake
I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….