Yes, but it was never about money
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How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong
Here’s a large bag of googly eyes. Paste them on literally everything.
– me as a therapist
[prehistoric times]
MUM: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDAUGHTER: So I gather
Age is just a number….that now takes a really long time to scroll to.
Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”
Me: I’m an atheist. Nothing is on purpose. Nihilism 4eva
Also me: *sees my birthday numbers anywhere* this is a sign.
This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work
SENATOR: “Would you agree that it’s bad for Facebook to steal users’ blood and use it to create a clone army?”
ZUCK: “That’s an interesting question that I’ll have to discuss further with our team. Did you know I started this company in my dorm room?”
I pretend to be asleep then I actually fell asleep.
Now I’ll pretend I’m skinny.
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life”
Ok Brenda but watching Netflix and eating Nutella straight out the jar isn’t gonna pay my bills is it?
science: the human body is a fine tuned machine
my nervous system: [releases stress chemicals for no reason]
my immune system: [is allergic to pollen, air and ghosts]
my personality: ? [i don’t know who i am lmao]
me: ok
I may be boring but next time I marry I want a simple wedding. No lavish reception hall, no expensive dress, no elaborate foods, no guests, and no husband.
I used to watch the Olympics on TV as a child and dream of growing up and also watching the Olympics on TV but on a better TV.
The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.
The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.
I may be 37, but I feel 25…when I look at my finances:
me: *pounding on son’s locked bedroom door* open up this instant! this is my house
son: no it isn’t, you have a mortgage so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me: [to wife] i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
[filling out birth certificate]
Me: we’re naming him Greg
Doctor who used to be Starbucks barista: [writes “Grork”]
You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks
I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.
Personal trainer: you must learn to listen to your body
My body: lifting weights is difficult, go play video games and eat ice cream
KFC Team Member: Anything else?
Me: More gravy please, I’ll say when[several hours later]
KFC TM: WE’RE GONNA DROWN
M: I didn’t say when
An eel can swim faster than me, but i could probably run faster than an eel. So in a triathlon it would all come down to who is the better cyclist
[first time in a bed]
me: this blanket is really heavy
salesman: you’re supposed to lay on top of the mattress
My kid just asked if ‘duct tape’ is short for ‘abduction tape’.
… we’re totally nailing this parenting thing.
Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s
Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.
Cop – Have you been drinking?
Me – No, just taking my photo with R2D2 here.
Cop – Sir that’s a fire hydrant.
Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout