Yes, but you should see the other pea
~Black eyed pea probably
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ME: whose dog are you
DOG: I’M YOUR DOG I’M YOUR DOG YES YES YES TWIRL TWIRL
ME: whose cat are you
CAT: Possession is a solipsistic paradigm, Vivian. However, if I were to define myself as belonging to anyone, it would be myself. In this essay, I will DON’T TOUCH MY STOMACH
Che Guevara was such a revolutionary. He revolutionized the t-shirt sales.
POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”
Every time i tell people i want to be a comedian they laugh. See, im that good!!
Another way they could improve cricket is by having seven to eight golden retrievers on the pitch at all times
So maybe downloading the ruler app to measure the snow wasn’t such a great idea
Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning
No matter how handsome/beautiful you are, your passport picture or ID card will always find ways to humble you
Exhausted Parent PSA-
The chance you could mistake a raw chicken sausage for a banana when making a smoothie is small, but not zero.
please someone make a recipe page that’s literally just ingredients and instructions. if i have to scroll through one more essay about someone’s culinary awakening i am going to lose my mind
ME: Whoa, these people are hardcore Goths
CORONER: How many times do I have to tell you that they’re corpses, you’re looking at corpses
Them: you smell so good what is that?
Me: bleach
Maybe the Earth really is flat and we’re just on one of God’s refrigerator magnets.
The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.
I often say to myself, “I can’t believe my cloning machine worked!”
drinking water in front of my plants so they remember who the breadwinner is
I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.
My mother: What color do you look good in?
Me: Not the one I’m wearing right now, apparently.
The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.
God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens
I gave my baby a teething toy so she would stop chewing on my fingers.
She wasn’t interested because it didn’t scream out in pain.
Can’t believe my ‘Eat everything you want and hope for a miracle” diet is not working!
if you’re too polite to ask your date to leave just whisper “Mother might be getting cold in the pantry” while staring nervously at your kitchen.
“order in the court!”
*Bangs gavel*
Chicken wings, your honor!
[after 3 months in prison]
I think the joke was worth it.
Febreeze works just like in the commercials, only instead of being impressed, mom comes home and says “it still smells like pot in here.”
I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue
Shit. My daughter just told me that the handwriting on the Tooth Fairy’s I.O.U. looks the same as mine.
What idiot named them twins instead of wombmates?
Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.
[Pet store]
Boss: “I have to fire you. I know you’ve been stealing puppies.”
Me: “You can’t prove that.”
*My purse starts barking*