@GuyEndoreKaiser

Yes, curling is silly and basically janitorial work, but that guy’s gonna have a gold medal, and all you’ll have is your joke about curling.

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@Dad_At_Law

4: Let’s hunt turkeys, Daddy.

Me: How do we do that?

4: Put up a big sign that says, “Come here, Turkeys!”

I might be raising Elmer Fudd.

@_callumknight

y’all, I lost my passport two years ago and have been using the same PDF scan as a substitute ever since.

this is where I found it today

@PantsDonkey

Everyone please stop saying that today’s date only happens once. EVERY date only happens once, that’s how time works.

@david_tull

Wow, according to the New York Times, just kidding, I have no idea what’s going on.

@TheAlexNevil

I don’t trust a restaurant that advertises “Now with more bacon!” because it means they were holding out on me to begin with.

@AndyRichter

Im not saying the ‘70s were perfect, but somewhere along the line we lost focus and forgot that all chase scenes demand banjo music

@VerifiedDrunk

Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….

@IamPhartacus

I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue

@thatguysingh

Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?

@pleatedjeans

Wine and cheese pair well together bc they are both the expired byproducts of other foods enjoy your trash snack rich people