Yes, curling is silly and basically janitorial work, but that guy’s gonna have a gold medal, and all you’ll have is your joke about curling.

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4: Let’s hunt turkeys, Daddy.

Me: How do we do that?

4: Put up a big sign that says, “Come here, Turkeys!”

I might be raising Elmer Fudd.


y’all, I lost my passport two years ago and have been using the same PDF scan as a substitute ever since.

this is where I found it today


Everyone please stop saying that today’s date only happens once. EVERY date only happens once, that’s how time works.


Wow, according to the New York Times, just kidding, I have no idea what’s going on.


I don’t trust a restaurant that advertises “Now with more bacon!” because it means they were holding out on me to begin with.


Im not saying the ‘70s were perfect, but somewhere along the line we lost focus and forgot that all chase scenes demand banjo music


Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….


I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue


Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?


Wine and cheese pair well together bc they are both the expired byproducts of other foods enjoy your trash snack rich people