Yes, curling is silly and basically janitorial work, but that guy’s gonna have a gold medal, and all you’ll have is your joke about curling.
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If I have a son, he’s going to be named Alvin Simon Theodore, and it’ll be funny as hell whenever anyone gets mad and yells his full name.
My mom just texted me to say that her dog killed 2 groundhogs in her backyard this morning so I think she may be doing Groundhog Day wrong.
Him: Why are you going in circles???
Me: I’m buffering!!!
will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break
┏┓
┃┃╱╲ in
┃╱╱╲╲ this
╱╱╭╮╲╲house
▔▏┗┛▕▔ we
╱▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔╲
wash our hands
╱╱┏┳┓╭╮┏┳┓ ╲╲
▔▏┗┻┛┃┃┗┻┛▕▔
If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?
I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away
me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No
they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome
Some people will put ketchup on anything: one time I found a first edition of Wuthering Heights in my dad’s attic & I just couldn’t resist.
PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET
I once dated a girl to get closer to her parents’ record collection.
Me: I bought a Twix for us to share.
Wife: Thanks, but you know I don’t like Twix.
Me: *already shoving both pieces into my mouth* Oh no, I forgot.
On the news: there’s a shortage of maternity-ward staff.
You could say it’s a bit of a…*looks away*
*mumbles*
MIDWIFE crisis!
(…sorry.)
Me: (plops myself next to 9 on his bed)
9: Wow. You’re heavy. You made a mini earthquake
Me: (pushes 9 off the bed)
9: What the heck was that?!
Me: Aftershock
psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed
Took my 6 y/o daughter to a college football game and my dream of turning her into a fan quickly faded when she asked to go home in the first quarter because “we just watched this game on TV last week.”
I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people
I’ve quit my new job as a postman…..
…..they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought:
“This isn’t for me.”
I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.
I think I’m going to Bangladesh.
Ladesh: I have a boyfriend.
me: what’s the best way to get healthy?
doctor: diet and exercise
me: what’s the next best?
Pro tip: If your full grown kid won’t move out just tell them their Christmas gift is in the driveway and lock the door when they go look.
[6:00]
This edible is never going to hit.[6:20]
*stirring my Pepsi with a fork*
If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
I hate it when I’m at work and someone asks “are you at free at the moment?”. Please expand further so I can know if I’m free or not.
MUGGER: give me ur wallet
ME: stand back i have mace
MUGGER: [sniffing] is this cookies-scented febreze
My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.