Yes, dust for fingerprints is exactly what I meant when I asked you to dust the living room, Sherlock Holmes.
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Me: What are my choices again?
Pollster: Donald Trump…
Me: Or?
Pollster: Puppymonkeybaby.
Me: …
Pollster: Well?
Me: I’m thinking.
Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house
And that’s why Uber was created
See ya later, alligator.
After a while, crocodile.
Catch ya mañana, little iguana.
LIFE HACK: If you want to remember something write it upside down on the back of your underwear waistband. You’ll see it when you’re pooping
Screw your Twitter Crushes and Twitter Husbands and Twitter Nemeses. I want a Twitter Penguin. I want a pet penguin, but only on Twitter.
detective: can you describe the crime scene?
me: which one i seen lots of crimes.
People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.
You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont
Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.
I hate when my kids ask me impossible questions like: What day is it?
Why do some wine bottles wear fishnet tights?
Light as a feather, smorg as a board
Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is
my toddler lifts up a piece of her salad and declares, “it’s a leaf, mommy.” and then: “let’s put it back outside.”
dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it:
The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
Once a guy leaned into kiss me and I panicked and flicked him. Then he was like DID YOU JUST- DID YOU? FLICK? ME
And I laughed so hard I cried
So yeah! I’m great at dating
Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
[opens GPS voice command]
FIND DOGS TO PET
Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.
Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.
I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.
I’m sure Leonardo DiCaprio‘s girlfriend is a wonderful person but I saw a headline that said she “has a message for her haters” and all I could think was “is it ‘I really need my .5 lead mechanical pencil back before Bio’”
FDA has lowered the buying age for Plan B to 15. If you’re younger than that, you’re not responsible enough so shut up and have your baby.
It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.
If I ever own my own company, the logo will be something majestic and exhilarating, like a tiger hang gliding.
If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.