Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.
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Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.
“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off
Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith
Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please
Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir
My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.
Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.
Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.
If someone shrunk their kids today they’d be cancelled, straight up
“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”
-my son, blaming the victims
ME: and what are we going to do next time?
7YR OLD: you’re going to let me know in advance before you shave your beard
M: and for you?
7: I’m not going to scream “STRANGER! DANGER!” or call 911
I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.
“Sorry I didn’t reply to your email Terry, a wolf ripped my hands off… Oh these? Um, I got new hands? Gotta go!”
A Guy Doing Push Ups ‘One.. Two.. Three..’
*A Girl Passes by..*
Guy: “82.. 83.. 84..”
“Let’s wake up super early, stand in the freezing cold with mobs of people & harass a cute little groundhog!” ~White people
More people would get the booster if it came with fries.
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
I like “found family” over “chosen family” because it makes it sound like I discovered them under a rock. like bugs. or worms
nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed
The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it
“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.
*getting ready for bed*
Me: Oh did you lock the front door?
Burglar: I’ll go check it
Me: Thanks hon
Wife:
Me: [adjusting cargo shorts] These babies are built for performance.
My wife: You’ve been sitting on the couch watching football all day
Me: [pulling a small container of bean dip out of one pocket and a bag of tortilla chips out of another] Was a question in there somewhere?
The only time I’m not excited to see a dog when I have drugs on me at the airport
*Mother driving me to an appt in the city as I clutch the passenger seat, white knuckled, terrified
Me: You drive like an old lady!
Her: That’s not very nice.
*swerves to avoid oncoming vegetable truck
Me: WE ARE GOING TO DIE
Her: Good thing I’m already an old lady.
I know you have good intentions, but it’s cruel to set a Roomba free. For one, they’re raised in captivity and don’t have the skills to survive outside. And for two, nature abhors a vacuum.
next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom
[identifying body]
Cop: this him?
Me: yea
Cop: he’s burnt pretty bad huh
Me: yea
Cop: …
Me: …
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation
I wanted to make my apartment feel more like a hotel, so I charged myself $40 for a cheese plate and watched the second half of Gladiator
what do you mean I never take you anywhere we just took a 365 day trip around the sun
[playing guitar in hotel lounge]
Me: *puts out cigarette* Any more requests out there tonight?
Front desk: Yes. Would you please get out of the lobby?
4-year-old: Dad?
Me: What? I’m trying to sleep.
4:
Me:
4: What’s the phone number for the firefighters?
Now I’m awake.