Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there’s a wormhole in my kitchen

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Bad idea? Son, I got married in my 20s. Ideas don’t get any worse than that.


“Whatever you do in bed, Sealy supports it”. Clearly whoever came up with that ad doesn’t watch CSI.


Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there


I’m starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.


I asked 5 why she threw her peas on the floor and she said “it wasn’t me it was my imaginary friend“ and I said “I didn’t know you had an imaginary friend” and she said “I don’t, I just thought of it when you got cross about the peas”


What if all the snakes on that plane were emotional support snakes?


I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”


The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.