Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there’s a wormhole in my kitchen
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We can agree that making someone swear in for a job is stupid right? Like, “okay, you’re hired! But first you gotta pinky promise in front of EVERYONE that you’re not gonna suck at this”
Me: I’m an actor
Date: Oh that’s cool!
Me: Have you seen “No Country For Old Men?”
Date: I love that movie!
Me: Yeah it’s awesome. Anyway, haven’t booked any roles yet.
Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.
They are making gluten free communion wafers now. I guess you eat them because they represent the beach-body of Christ.
At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose
So I was sitting in a recliner in my underwear, watching a movie, eating ice cream and Doritos minding my own business and freaking Walmart calls the cops!
If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.
Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development
Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.
If I was a criminal my calling card at the scene would be an empty strip of antidepressants and the cops would be like ‘wow she motivated herself long enough to rob this bank, good for her.’
I̶t̶’̶s̶ ̶t̶o̶o̶ ̶e̶a̶r̶l̶y̶ ̶t̶o̶ start drinking
Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him
[11yo takes unflattering picture of me]
11: Hahaha OMG look at this
Me: Sweetie, I’ve got blackmail material on you that would make you weep
4: mom can I sing just a short song?
me: yes
4: ok its only just three hours long I promise
narrator: it was in fact, only just three hours long
[me adjusting paintball mask] it’s too bad we aren’t on the same team
date: yeah
Cargo shorts need insulated side pockets so people can always have access to a hot and tasty pork chop.
I’ve watched three episodes of “I Shouldn’t Be Alive” tonight, adding “outdoor enthusiast and survival expert” to my online dating profile.
random dude: heeeeeeeeey
me: i know how to hide a body
When I see city workers planting a tree I’m like dude… who’s side are you on?
The opposite of Thanksgiving leftovers is Thanksgiving rightunders.
I’m so sorry
My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching
I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”
“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.
May someone of my non-German mutuals explain German Burger King to me:
*slides note across counter*
Cashier (whispers): No problem.
[over intercom system]
“THIS MAN NEEDS CUSTOMER ASSISTANCE WITH TAMPONS”
[first day as detective]
Me: it looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me, pointing at bullet wound: well yeah
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
One time i saw a man eat a whole apple, core and everything. Motherboard and power supply too. The man ate a computer it was horrifying
“Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” – crickets (translated)
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.