@weinerdog4life

Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there’s a wormhole in my kitchen

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@edgarrants

Bad idea? Son, I got married in my 20s. Ideas don’t get any worse than that.

@Raahael

“Whatever you do in bed, Sealy supports it”. Clearly whoever came up with that ad doesn’t watch CSI.

@SinghSahaaaab

Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there

@GuyThe_Guy

I’m starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.

@MumInBits

I asked 5 why she threw her peas on the floor and she said “it wasn’t me it was my imaginary friend“ and I said “I didn’t know you had an imaginary friend” and she said “I don’t, I just thought of it when you got cross about the peas”

@elle91

What if all the snakes on that plane were emotional support snakes?

@meganamram

I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”

@ceejoyner

The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.