Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.
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Was just up a ladder *very obviously* mending the roof when a man ambled over, stood at the bottom and eventually called up ‘Mending the roof are ye?’
Got to reply ‘Aye, once I’ve finished unblocking this sink.’ Never felt more powerful. I am majestic. I could grow antlers.
having children is a pyramid scheme.
Don’t tell me I look good for my age tell me I look good for someone who is incredibly lazy and eats like I’m on death row
I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, “In case I feel like sharing.”
I have $12 in winning lottery tickets in my purse, I might just up and quit my job, today
Wife: I’m worried you love Harry Potter more than you love me.
Me: that’s riddikulus lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: [pulls out Hermione Granger limited edition replica time-turner necklace] this better work.
Age 15: I wanna live in a mansion
Age 25: Ok a big house, in a nice neighborhood
Age 35: *googles ‘Best Months to Live Outside’*
When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.
No toilet paper. My training kicks in. I barrel roll under the stall & onto the lap of the person in the next stall. I did not plan for this
Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.
Thanks, Rihanna.
[first day as a bank manager]
Customer: I’d like a car loan
Me: I’m not lending you my car
I’m not saying I’m drunk but I’m having trouble working out if you’re quoting Sylvia Plath or the Cookie Monster right now
my cat frankie loves this weird ugly chair that came with my apartment. it’s gotta be one of his top 3 favorite spots to chill or sleep and probably like every third time i walk in and find him there i go “chairman of the board over here” but he never laughs
Watched Gladiator again and imagined characters engaging in mundane conversations:
Maximus: ‘Are you going to the Colosseum tonight?’
Juba: ‘Nah, got laundry to do. Can’t wear bloodstained armor all the time, you know.’
[last day at job]
“You’ve made my life a misery, I hate you all”
[remembers my car is in the garage and I need a lift]
“Not you tho Phil”
Dog: I will guard you with my life!
Cat: What was your name again?
[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”
My 1-year-old found a jar of Play-Doh.
I figured she couldn’t do any harm if she couldn’t open it.
She threw it at her sister’s head.
Sorry, Tim. The Zoom meeting gods demand a sacrifice and you have the most annoying voice in the department.
Me (standing in front of mirror): bloody mary, bloody mary, bloody mary
Cop on other side: what is he doing
wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them
“Today is chest and leg day!”
-me, ordering at KFC
As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.
Discuss.
Thank you for the opportunity but I don’t think being human is a good fit for me. I’m going to go back to school to become an octopus
Don’t you hate when you do something out of the kindness of your heart & someone gets upset because you shoved a pack of gum in their mouth?
You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.
Keanu Reeves stuck motionless on a horse forever because every time it starts to move he goes “whoa”.
I’ve become obsessed with the idea that Jesus was a terrible guitarist but no one told him to stop because they were afraid of his dad.
*pronounces ‘cake’ like ‘khaki’ in all your tweets
I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.