Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.

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You wanna hot body?
You wanna Bugatti?
You wanna Maseratti?
Then this is an intervention you NEED to stop listening to Britney Spears.


An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.

A PEZimist fills it with candy.


Thanksgiving prep with mom is great for my self esteem:

Why aren’t you helping me??

*starts to help*

You’re doing it wrong! Let me do it!


*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.


Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.


What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?


*1st date*
[be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
so where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*


Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.


HIM: What are you doing?

ME: Hiding some more money in the couch. Can’t trust the banks you know.

HIM: How much is in there?

ME: $5.40


*Throws up some gang signs*
*stabs self in eye with salad fork*

Hubs: Next time you do the Macarena, put your fork down.