Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.
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The scariest sound is an unknown crash followed by my 9 year old yelling “It’s OK! There’s nothing wrong! You don’t need to come up here”
Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out
Some people were born into their job.
ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
nobody:
90’s boybands:
(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)
never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them
Men always criticize our big ole purses but stay asking us for something out of it.
“U got gum?”
“Give me some lotion”
“Hold my gun”
if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine
My son was invited over 2 different friend’s houses for a sleepover and he picked the friend that has a whole drawer in the fridge dedicated to just cheese and I’m wondering how to get invited over for a sleepover
A friend was talking about her cat bringing her another dead mouse and my ADHD brain did a side quest imagining my snake calling a cat for Door Dash.
I always roll out of bed. Not even morning can trick me into doing a sit-up
My cousin met her husband five years ago on tinder and are now married with kids but she still has him in her phone as “Tom Tinder”
What kind of dessert do ghosts always come back for??
A Boo Meringue
All I want for Valentine’s day is a good night out with my boyfriend
My husband says I’ve got to go out with him! Rude
When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.
if I worked behind some kind of counter, every day I would simply wear a sleeping cap, and have two tip jars, labeled “honk shoo” and “mimimimimi”
it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely
I have never heard an armadillo before.
So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I’m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.
Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.
In case you were wondering, Taco Bell offers free wi-fi.
Don’t bother asking for the password, because it’s totally “Cornhole Explosion”.
Since the first one was such a smash hit, why didn’t they ever make a Titanic 2?
7: Golf is not fun to watch
ME: It is, if you understand the nuances and the context
7: What are nuances and context
Me: Details. Like the scoreboard, the decisions they make
7: They hit a ball, and it goes in–or not
Me:
7: Usually not
Me:
7: They aren’t even good at it.
the real reason howl kept his castle moving was tax evasion
Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here
Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.
In 5th grade I had to do a report on Ben Franklin and my parents interpreted it as me liking him so my 11th birthday was Ben Franklin themed
academia has you beefing with someone 3k miles away who is also one of only 4 people on earth who likes the same stuff as you
Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well
You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets