Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife
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Ah to be a little slug on a day like today. The rain is out. No cares in the world. Time for slime.
A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.
Me: You think you have all the answers but believe me, you need what I have up here..
*points to head*Her: What, half a bottle of mousse?
When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.
Hi, I’m Megan. You may know me from such public encounters with kids as “No, YOUR face is stupid” and “I didn’t trip you, you fell”.
Hi everyone, welcome to ventriloquist club! The first rule here is do not talk about ventriloquist club…with your lips moving.
Haha, just a little joke to get us started.
Obviously the first rule is don’t fall in love with your puppet.
You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.
The temperature went from 90 to 55 like it saw a state trooper
We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.
Parenting just means you have to pretend you like to eat fruits and vegetables in front of your kids knowing you’d rather eat a cheeseburger instead.
I make a mortgage-sized payment monthly to send my kid to preschool. Today, I have to pick him up early so they can close to then reopen an hour later for an art show where I can pay a second time to buy art my kid made while I paid for him to be there.
*spreads rose petals on the bed*
[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”
Ghosts will turn lights on and off, open and close doors, move objects, but never once have they ever turned on a treadmill and I think that’s very telling.
*Turning off led flashlight.
Led flashlight: hahahahaha
I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!
– me to my bed.
I tell my toddler she needs to put her own toys away so she’s started giving me all the toys she has out as ‘presents’ just before it’s time to tidy up and I can’t even be mad coz that’s genius
I am officially off the market😂😂😂😂😂
Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”
ME: judging by this blood stain the murderer appears to have been a turkey
ACTUAL POLICE OFFICER: That’s a hand print
“will…”
*Starbucks barista squints at name on cup*
“… the Red Slime Shoddy please stand up?”
*Eminem flips table and storms out*
I’m haunted by my grandmother saying “apple pie without cheese is like a kiss without copping a feel”
Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.
Do people who pay $20 for corn mazes know that you can go get lost in Ikea for only the price of three days of meatballs?
I assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.
Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”
Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available
Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time
Husband: *trying to thread a needle with far too thick string
Me: That’s not gonna fit, it’s way too big.
H: You’ve said that before, but I have a 7 year old who proves otherwise.
Me: *giggles
7: You guys are being weird again.
her: my parents are gone 😉
liam neeson: ok when did u see them last
Me: [*Drinks water]
My Liver: New liquid, who dis?