Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife
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Stopping to get donuts for the office only works as an excuse for being late if the box isn’t empty.
I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..
My surgeon friends disagreed.
I told my friends, family and dentist that I chipped my tooth recently because Storm Isha blew the garden door into my face at high speed. The truth is that I was actually playing tug of war with our Alsatian dog, by holding the other end of the rope in my teeth.
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
You have to be careful making self deprecating jokes on twitter. Because you say something like “oh my gosh I’m so ugly!” And people are like “yes. But we love you!” 😂🤣
I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece
When life hands you donkeys, move to a mountainous region.
[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE
Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?
5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?
Husband: Why are you whispering?
Me: because I’m wearing spanx and i can’t breathe or feel my hands or feet much less speak in a normal voice
Husband: I don’t know why you wore those it didn’t even make that much difference.
Me: I WILL KILL YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS
i dont think any of the wikihow artists have seen a dog in real life
Me: *finally finds the motivation to do a computer task that I’ve been procrastinating for months*
Laptop: TIME TO UPDATE LOSER
*eats a bag of chips*
*eats 2 baked potatoes*
*eats a plate of fries*
*eats a plate of mashed potatoes*Being a vegetarian is easy!
Accidentally went on a tiger date instead of a tinder date and it was way better because whether she swipes left or swipes right I still die
Whoever got my Steam account for Christmas plz realize those Japanese dress up games are for research only, I don’t enjoy them. Plz understa
911: what’s your emergency sir
me: I can’t find my butler
911: perhaps he is pretending to be a 911 dispatcher like you asked sir
me: will you pretend to be my butler until he gets back
Wife: can you pick up milk on your way home
Me: can’t he just get a ride home with friends
Wife: again, our son’s name is not Milk
Me: Did you use the elevator?
Friend: I took the stairs.
Random Dad: DID YOU PUT THEM BACK?
[classroom]
Nietzsche: whoever fights monsters should see to it that he does not become a monster. Any questions?Me: [googling how to fight a dragon] I have a few
Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
Him:
[5am]
Cat: *retching in the hallway*
Me: *tired moan*
My dog: *kisses my forehead* I’ll go.
[meeting GF’s mom]
Wow! This must be your sister! Your baby sister! *shakes keys in front of her face* I’m overselling this, aren’t I?
“The truth has finally been revealed” around the world:
5. The cat is out of the bag (English)
4. The bunny is out of the hat (Czech)
3. The pigeon falls out of your mouth (Romanian)
2. The turtle’s feet have appeared (Taiwanese)
1. Now the monkey comes out of the sleeve (Dutch)
Netflix an..holy shit! How’d you get your pants off that fast?
Me: you kill people for their blood? How do you sleep at night?
Vampire: I don’t.
Me: How do you look at yourself in the mirro-
Vampire: also no.
COME TO ME JOURNALBOT
*Journalbot enters my study*
ok write this down: Polar bears are bear ghosts. “polargeists”
[very sad robot noises]
i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle
Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?
came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!
Do I have to put “parody” in my account because I’m not actually a sentient donut?