yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.
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It was difficult as a kid raising two parents on my own.
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
[heaven]
god: you have 8 more left. be careful this time ok.
cat: *licking paw* you’re the one who said sharks were fish
“Are you sure you want to close 58 tabs?” no I’m not sure what if I need this tracking information for a package that was delivered last week
The Moon: *shines through my window at night and doesn’t let me sleep*
[Next Night]
Me: *pointing a flashlight at the moon* haha take that you piece of shit
[visits psychic]
*knocks on door*
Psychic: “who is it?”
Me: “well this is a bad start”
I now know that no matter how happy you are it’s not always the right time to clap your hands and show it.
Mother in Law’s funeral taught me that.
Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?
Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.
SUPER-VILLAIN: Join me! Together we would be unstoppable!
HERO: Ok
SUPER-VILLAIN: What’s that now?
HERO: I’m in
SUPER-VILLAIN: Oh. I wasn’t really prepared for you to accept.
HERO: My therapist said to try new things
SUPER-VILLAIN: This is awkward
HERO: I’ll get my stuff
Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward
A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here
ME: I’m here for toilet pap–
COTSCO: WARM CROISSANTS
ME: But I…
COSTCO: 500 DISPOSABLE RAZORS
ME: I just nee–
COSTCO: BUCKET OF KIMCHI
ME: *spends $472*
10yo just came to me, so excited to share about a “new artist” he discovered who sounds “just like Alexander Hamilton.”
Anyways it was Eminem.
Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.
Trust that the Hallmark Channel filmed three whole Christmas movies during the 10 minutes it was snowing in Burbank.
No I don’t want to ride in a basket beneath your giant flying fire tent.
Vin Diesel eats two meals a day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.
Son: I still dont get why people marry.
Me: Well son, when a man & woman love each other very much they make a series of horrible decisions
If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.
New Year’s Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years
ME: You’re saying I’m not smart enough for this job?
BOSS: Well, yes.
ME: [points to computer] Just because I can’t use the typewriter TV?
Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.
You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.
People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.
you gotta be faster
Any house is an Airbnb if you’re quiet enough
Me: release the kraken!
Friend: what’s a kraken?
Me: Not much what’s a kraken with you? lol. no but seriously a lot of people are going to die.
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all french toast.
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.