Yes I do talk to myself, everyone else just wants to argue with me
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Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.
“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)
Shakespeare: shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Me: sure
Shakespeare: okay. summer’s day > you
Actually cracking up @ this
I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.
I spilled beer on a guy. He said “You wanna dance?” I said “Can’t, I don’t have my dancing shoes on.” He was so disappointed, he beat me up.
Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice
CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up
ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up
Friend: Take more chances in life.
Me: I wonder who would notice the missing mini fridge first, the hotel cleaning staff or the next guest?
My boss waters the fake plant outside my office and I let him continue doing it because it makes me laugh every single time
INTERVIEWER: says here you were fired previously?
ME: yeah, I tried putting pizza in the copier
INTERVIEWER: [excitedly] did… did it work?
Me: [driving into a parking garage]
Wife: why are you ducking your head?
Me: the ceiling is super low, I don’t want the car to scrape it.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: that’s fair.
Quick reminder that the Twilight saga is about the classic teen angst of choosing between bestiality and necrophilia
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
”Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
–MC Hammer giving a Museum tour
Dr Rorschach: *sigh* and this one?
Dr Freud: DID MY MOTHER KNOW YOU WERE TAKING THESE?
Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14
“Amanda Seyfried (left)”
Packing in my 20s: Toothbrush and bikini
Packing in my 30s: Those things plus a swim suit cover up, 3 face creams, hair products to cover up postpartum hair loss, spanks, sensible shoes, and denture cream.
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix
Birds are dinosaurs? No. I want dinosaurs here or I want them completely gone. I don’t need a bullshit imitation dinosaur to shit on my car.
With plastic being banned, Starbucks is running out of things to put drinks in. A year from now they’re gonna scream my name and I’ll have to drink my caramel iced latte straight from the barista’s cupped hands while another employee strokes my head like a scared horse
Just now learning that many Victorian-era radiators had built in cabinets for warming food. Can you imagine heating your house *and* smelling garlic bread at the same time
me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?
5:
me:
5: we say thank you
getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you
Writer: a cartoon about 4 teenage turtles and a rat
Exec: not convinced
Writer: they’re mutants?
Exec: it needs to appeal to kids
Writer: they’re named after renaissance artists