Yes, I DO think “did you bring my pizza?” is an acceptable answer when you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks on the door.

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My cousins baby child keeps pointing at me and saying ‘cat’


Every kiss begins with ‘K’ I whisper quietly to myself as I read his one letter response to my last 7 text messages.


If you think you’re stupid, little red riding hood thought a wolf wearing women’s clothing was her grandma.


True story:

I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.


Husband opening his new radar detector…

Me- want me to run by really fast?

Him- what? No, that’s not how this works.

Me- *runs by entrance to kitchen*


When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.


It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it


bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more


“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”


Packing my daughter’s prom kit…lip gloss, stun gun, pepper spray, switchblade, and I’ve uploaded all 5 seasons of Teen Mom to her iPhone.