@carlawh

Yes, I DO think “did you bring my pizza?” is an acceptable answer when you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks on the door.

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@AmazingPhil

My cousins baby child keeps pointing at me and saying ‘cat’

@AsgardianRose

Every kiss begins with ‘K’ I whisper quietly to myself as I read his one letter response to my last 7 text messages.

@karanbirtinna

If you think you’re stupid, little red riding hood thought a wolf wearing women’s clothing was her grandma.

@SweatyGardener

True story:

I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.

@Miss__Kitty__

Husband opening his new radar detector…

Me- want me to run by really fast?

Him- what? No, that’s not how this works.

Me- *runs by entrance to kitchen*

@TheHyyyype

When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.

@julcasagrande

It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it

@suntzufuntzu

bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more

@TheAlexNevil

“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”

@hipchkk

Packing my daughter’s prom kit…lip gloss, stun gun, pepper spray, switchblade, and I’ve uploaded all 5 seasons of Teen Mom to her iPhone.