Yes, I DO think “did you bring my pizza?” is an acceptable answer when you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks on the door.
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My iPhone: Face ID
Me: 💁♀️
My iPhone : hmm.. passcode
*aliens come to earth to steal our water*
[cut to]
*aliens running out of store with like fifteen evian bottles they didn’t pay for*
Earth, 1980: please stop emitting so much carbon dioxide
People: lol nah
Earth, 2020: HEY REMEMBER WHEN I ASKED NICELY LOL
I only needed to open the last 7 presents I’d wrapped before I found the one I’d left the scissors in this year, which is nice.
I still can’t believe it when someone in the bathroom stall next to me is talking on the phone
I mean, who TALKS on the phone
[holding ur new baby]
Bet I could beat him in Street Fighter
Aragorn: If I can protect you, I will. You have my sword
Legolas: And you have my bow
Gimli: and my axe
Steve: and my 439 Twitter followers
Hurt my hand so now I tweet exclusively with one of those text to speech things comma I think it’s going well full stop send tweet no don’t type that send tweet I said send tweet are you shouting at your phone nobody asked you rebecca wait no don’t send that
Anti-Hero if Taylor Swift was in a SKA BAND @Skatunenetwork
On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system
Me: That was fun! Fist me!
Him: What?!
Me: Fist me!! *holds out knuckles*
Him: …..
Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.
Normalize carrying a sheriff’s star around so you can deputize yourself to:
cut a line
veto your HOA
confiscate the Costco samples
arrest your in-laws
somewhere a san francisco divorce lawyer is about to have a very exciting day
Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.
Earth Day…
…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!
Setting my alarm for 3am.
Going to text this to a coworker and go back to bed until 6.
Then we’ll be even.
For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”
Taxi driver: Where to?
Me: Inbetween one and three.
Taxi driver: Get out.
Men always criticize our big ole purses but stay asking us for something out of it.
“U got gum?”
“Give me some lotion”
“Hold my gun”
How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485
We don’t talk enough about Nicholson’s competent axe technique in The Shining
until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity
Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.
got my gf a manicure for our anniversary
People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection
boba fett is short for robert fettuccine
Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.