Yes, I have a fitness app. I use it to time how long it takes the pizza delivery guy to get here.
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If you have any selfies of you running from wolves then yes, I would be very interested.
I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
Darth Vader tried to kill Solo, but sadly struggled with his Han die coordination
luke, thats a persons name. whys everybodys star wars name gotta be like, hoobie doodoo or seb neb or something
My ex is fat!!! Yay…I win!!!
Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles
I never pay for drinks I just insult women at bars & when they throw drinks in my face I open my mouth haha thanks for the free booze ladies
I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?
1: ‘Twas the night before xmas, & all thru the house
Dad was trashed on Grey Goose, mom spilled merlot on her blouse
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.
boss: have you been here all night?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] uh, yeah.
boss: trouble at home?
me: there’s a seagull standing on my car
Cop: So, I’m writing a ticket for driving alone in the car pool lane.
Me: You’re going to feel really stupid when you look in my trunk.
i am about to burn down everything cryptocurrency related
My sister asked if I stole her cream sweater. Uh, yeah. Who else would’ve stolen it? You think a burglar broke in and was like “Cute top!”
I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…
I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.
Interviewer: what interests you about this job?
Me: the pay
Interviewer: can you be more specific?
Me: cash
Act now and we will double your order of crap!
Infomercials
People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?
The Wicked Witch swings a light saber at Obi-Wan just as he throws a water balloon at her. All anyone finds later are piles of clothes.
“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020
College guy: [massaging head] Oh man I got so trashed last night.
Raccoon: [massaging stomach with his little raccoon paws] Me too man.
Apparently “naked” is not the answer when someone mad at you asked, how do you sleep at night?
WHY DO SWEDISH SHIPS HAVE BARCODES PRINTED ON THE SIDE?
SO YOU CAN SCAN-DA-NAVY-IN
[robbing a bank]
accomplice: nice pantyhose
me: thanks
accomplice: on your face next time tho ok
Beatles were all like “We love women.”
Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”
What does it mean when your doctor slaps the beer from your hand?
Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.
Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?
Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes