“Yes, I need to check in.”
“Sir, this is a burn unit.”
“Yeah, I got hit hard with a series of jokes about my mom, and I had no comeback.”
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Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
Jumping through hoops makes it sound too easy.
It should be something…more like…trudging through quicksand on 2 hours of sleep with a sinus infection.
Welcome to your 40’s. Quality pens turn you on now.
My husbands pet name for me is “What did you do to the non-stick pan?”
I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.
Me: Wanna hear a joke?
Dog: sure
Me: Knock knock
*dog goes crazy barking at the door*
babe what’s wrong you’ve barely touched any of your triceramisu
my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm
Don’t talk to me unless you are a ham sandwich.
To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.
[Jesus as a Doordash driver]
[Eats your fish and chips]
[Delivers double your original order]
Cop: Suspect located, we’re in hot pursuit
Me: *rolling down window* I THINK YOU’RE CUTE TOO!
A real smart TV would increase the volume when you start eating chips.
Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it
Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*
Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.
Scientist: You left the cage open and 349 frogs escaped.
Me: I guess I FROGOT 🙂
Scientist: *rubbing bridge of nose* They were poisonous.
Kindergartners almost have the best gossip, like my son told me that one of his friends brought EIGHT Oreos for a snack at school but he couldn’t remember the kid’s name
5-year-old daughter: Barbie is mad at Ken.
*pushes their faces together*
Me: Did they kiss and make up?
5: No. She headbutted him.
me: “so when do you think we’ll see a big hairy boy?”
my hunting partner: “please call them bears”
“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils
asked the wife is she thought me getting that folding phone was a good idea and she said if you wanna fold something try the laundry so the foldy phone ain’t happening apparently
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
The only person who might be able to conclusively prove I’m not Batman is Batman. And until he does, the jury is out.
“I’m not going to eat anything today”
“Pie?”
“Please”
My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?
Waitress: Breakfast is over
Me: Ah. Can I just get an egg sandwich tho? Can’t be too hard.
Waitress: We can’t do that but we can do eggs.
Me: Okay, eggs then.
Waitress: Bacon or sausage?
Me: …Bacon.
Waitress: Do you want toast?
Me: ….
Home Alone 2? Shame on you. Home Alone 3? Shame on me.
*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!
Hey, did you say that your dog likes to ‘exercise’ or ‘exorcise’? [dog is already throwing holy water around the house]