Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?
You Might Also Like
If you come across a bear in the woods, it’s best to just wipe it off and apologize.
someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.
The most valuable thing I have taught my kid is to answer the door for me and immediately tell the person that mommy is busy while I’m hiding around the corner.
If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.
The package says “Do not eat raw cookie dough” but all I really see is “Pillsbury hates you and doesn’t want you to be happy.”
Oh look, it’s bad-decisions-o’clock
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
Your sex life as a parent basically becomes “Fifty Shades of Pray Those Kids Stay Asleep.”
It’s like this Bartender doesn’t even realize he’s my date now.
“Speak softly and carry a big stick.” — Teddy Roosevelt
“Yell loudly and talk about the size of your stick.” — Donald Trump
Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.
I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards
When I die, instead of being cremated or buried, I’d like my body to be thrown out of a tree onto a group of teens
Me: *slowly unzips footed jammies*
Him: Heyyy…you uh…wanna fool around?
Me: What? No, I just lost an M&M in my onesie
‘What’s in the box? What’s in the box? WHATS IN THE BOX!?’ I shout. ‘Ha ha, just kidding my name is Drew and I’m your new gynaecologist’
When I’m guilted into going to a dinner party I didn’t want to, I like to sneak off into the kitchen and slip a few small pieces of LEGO into the pepper grinder that’ll be used at the table. That way dinner is colourful and festive.
Caller ID really needs to be more detailed like “Your neighbor Todd needs help moving a couch” or the “ex wife is on her way over go hide in the basement.
be careful out there! #FiftyShadesOfGrey
Hang on, dude in the stall next to me has a Spanish soap opera on. I have to find out if this chick’s pregnant.
I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”
Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.
*holds flashlight under chin
Me: suddenly the mystery of…Son: haha Dad has like 3 chins
*drops flashlight
Me: SANTA CLAUS IS FAKE!!
Do you ever wonder if your parents spoil your kids to get back at you for what you put them through as a teenager? Because I’m totally thinking of doing that.
ME: You wanted me to bring home some bears, right?
HIM: Beers
ME: Haha. Yeah. That was a joke. Anyways, don’t go in the garage for a few hours.
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.
i hate i t when girls think im proposing whenever i take the knee at them in protest
We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.
Every time I go down the village there’s one less child and one more goose and I think we really need to make more ‘Do Not Drink’ warning signs for the cursed well.
Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”