I retweet.

Isn’t that kinda the point?

Spread the love and shit?

Mostly shit…

But that’s your fault…

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Having a lovely family holiday in Rome thanks to this free city guide


Finding $5 you didn’t know you had is awesome til you realize you’re 34, it’s 2011 & $5 won’t even buy enough gas to drive you off a cliff.


A) Gov. George Wallace
B) The Offspring
C) My mom teaching me to do laundry
D) All of the above


The ocean is full of sharks, jellyfish, man-eating octopus, and nightmare whales, but make sure you wait a half-hour after eating to go in.


[wearing a ‘World’s Greatest Dad’ t-shirt while talking to the bartender]

“The younger one is about 8 and the older one is older than 8.”


God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.


Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, “Are you taking a video?”


Buddhist Monk sees kid in Nirvana t-shirt:
“You like Nirvana? What’s your favorite step on the 8-fold Path?”
Kid: Nevermind
“Yeah, me, too.”


I’m saving myself for marriage.

Sorry, FROM. Saving myself FROM marriage.


If I ever ask you to hold a baby, you better ask whose baby I have because I’m clearly high and stole a baby.