Yes…
I retweet.
Isn’t that kinda the point?
Spread the love and shit?
Mostly shit…
But that’s your fault…
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Honey we’re having guests tonight, break out the fine jina
“I’m so over you.”
– A blanket.
Me: …so long story short, what I’m saying is, it either has to be a talking goat, OR a monkey who doesn’t talk, but understands my every word.
Genie: That’s it, no more wishes for you
Medusa: ok so I’ve decided I want bangs
hair stylist: *visibly pales
As long as the stupid phrase “interracial relationship” exists, I’m going to refer to same race ones as a “color-coordinated relationship.”
People just like to argue.
People: No we don’t
This day in history. 1844. Morse sent the first telegraph message WHAT HATH GOD WROUGHT? to Alfred Vail who replied I AM NOT WEARING PANTS.
All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.
Coworker: Are you joining us for the team meeting in the conference room?
Me: Nah, I’ve got too much to do.
Coworker: That’s too bad, the boss brought in some donuts.
Me:
Sex so good, my left hand is making my right hand a sandwich.
Netflix just asked me to rate ‘Spy Kids 2’ and I clicked “I haven’t seen it” but I have. I have seen it. A lot.
Airport receptionist: anything to declare?
Me: how bout these guns? *flexes*
Her: OH GOD HE’S GOT GUNS!
Me: wait.. I was..
Her: HELP!! AGH!
“What a tangled web we weave”
-Earbuds
Friend: How many girls did you date before you met your wife?
Me: That was so long ago. Who really rememb-
Wife: Thirty-seven
Him: Productive conference call?
Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.
Dear Britain,
This Brexit vote is all wrong
If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war.
Sincerely,
America
Sex scenes in movies are okay but the audience MUST BE WARNED. A red flashing light, words on the screen saying WARNING: SEX SCENE AHEAD and a loud ‘awooga! awooga!’ type siren would be a good start
Good point.
Alexa: remind me to feed the baby
my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that
me: not today satin
My 4 yr old niece is on the hyper side so my brother-in-law was trying to teach her about behaving and said “little girls are made of sugar and spice and what else?” and in her best batman voice she replied, “BLOOD AND BONES.”
Not all heroes wear capes.
[After winning an award]
HOST: Is there anyone you’d like to thank?ME [smiles at wife in the crowd as I lean into the mic] Absolutely not
I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders
Cooking oats with oat milk always feels like cannibalism and I’m not even an oat
I like “found family” over “chosen family” because it makes it sound like I discovered them under a rock. like bugs. or worms
Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2
I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key
“All dogs love me. He’s friendly! Look how he’s smiling, showing me his teeth.”
“Hey Buddy, let me just grab your collar to read your ta”
And those were his last words
Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors